Monday, June 29, 2009
"And do I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks."
Luke 11: 9-10
Sunday, June 28, 2009
In all honesty he's not a bad investment...the guy can COOK, cleans better than me, is a qualified masseur(niiiice!), tcm therapist....and an obnoxious huggy touchy feely photogenic LEO with venus in Cancer who loves dancing...if that sounds like your boy...well give us a yell! hehe ;)
Back to bed for me...it's like 3.5 hour stints bed 1 hour awake in a cycle...it's been like this for most of the last 10 days :p
Friday, June 26, 2009
The reason why I was so oblivious was I had a bit of a health scare today (I woke up to my right eye all funny and I couldn't open it along with tingling and numbness) and so was freaking out....a friend's dad retired gp still alive today thanks to chinese medicine so a wise, non partisan informed party...he told me to dash to the gp (who typically said "sorry there's nothing I can do") and then having seen some of our patients struck down with these things for 3 months(!) I had the good sense to take myself to the acupuncturist-"stitch in time saves nine"(thank GOD I can open my eye and it's looking passably normal again...TCM is seriously amazing....saves the day YET AGAIN! fingers crossed it's good still tomorrow)...so anyway the rest of the day was spent resting up while my mum came over helped me with chores and cooked me several meals so I could rest which is very very important when struck down with severe virus.
Anyway yeah would appreciate if you could send me some healing vibes/include me in your prayers for a quick, full and speedy recovery(cos I've already been sick for 8.5 days and I'm still pretty unwell- definitely should not have got sidetracked while out at the doctor's yesterday LOL)...now I probably should go back to beddy byes...some holiday...but hey the scariest thing is having any of your basic human functions impaired...while I still have my 5 senses and mobility of all my limbs in tact and all my major organs are functioning, at least I won't be stressing myself silly! All those things healthy, lucky people take for granted. Not me!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So anyway a particular one (this totally amuses me no end) gets excited by the colour pink and bunny rabbits!
On reflection, I realise now, it was at this point the corruption began its insidious infiltration...cos no way did I want to be shown up by a MALE! So it started innocently enough....first, a hot pink pen(cos I reasoned, the brightness was necessary to wake me up from my soporific study somnolence...)
It then progressed to some rather accidental, satirical and CRINGEWORTHY loveheart winter slippers which were the first things to greet us in the front of a supermarket (cos I needed to get money QUICK and the supermarket was the only ATM to be found in the pouring rain.)
HOWEVER. After I realised they were very snug and comfy slippers, they(like most things) grew on me and then it was all rapidly downhill...
after a pretty traumatic final exam on our way to lunch we passed a shoe store sale...that was my 3 pairs of shoes in one day moment...not to mention (one pair I thought initially were light purple but could be considered musky pink as well and flowery...and the other two were heels, one red, one BLACK(yes...didn't lose all sensibilities at the peak of sleep deprivation or adrenalin overload!)
In any case today I found myself ogling extraneous *pretty* designer handbags and jewellery in a shop...no not Chanel & co but you know those unique hand made creative designer items and I was actually considering owning such a piece. *Ouch! It is so expensive being a GIRL...LOL, after today the thought of being a L.O.L(Lady of Leisure) cum sugar daddy which the old generation like to advocate doesn't seem like such a horrendously, disgustingly, repellant proposition after all! LOL
In any case I think I'm making progress...lol one of the stipulations of this incarnation seems to be (and numerous people have told me).
LEARN to be a girl or at least develop and embrace a feminine side.
Oh and how's this for coincidence...in my minimal waking hours in the past few days I turned on the TV and whaddya know- it was my one and only ever highly skilled makeup artist on tv giving a tutorial on how to shape the perfect eyebrow...
LOL!!! ENOUGH!!! Girl Overload already!!!
Apart from that had a couple of developments the last couple of days and today was especially pleasant...possibly to balance out that rather crappy one from last week...yes, it's that duality thing! LOL
*Finally was well enough to drag myself outta the house (yay!) and straight to my lovely chinese doc to rescue my lungs who berated me for falling off the radar being "busy" and becoming completely qi and blood deficient not to mention that dubious fluey thing I picked up from the baby spit...in any case, just to be sure her therapeutic concoction did feature a "secret" ingredient which my inside contact assures me is included in all "swine fluey potential" cases. Had lots of fun smelling feeling looking talking herbs again- miss the buggers! Had to cancel on clinic this week with a lovely practitioner but fingers crossed for next week...
*Workmen finished the smoke sealing which seems to have made a huge difference and I no longer need to inhale my dodgy neighbours weed/hash/nicotine/incense/burnt toast/deodorant and other bathroom horribilities - thank God- been driving me insane for over a year now!!! In any case unlike the last time where they left a dirty film of microdust over my entire apartment which took weeks and weeks to clean these ones even bothered vacuuming up after themselves...sweeeet!
* Stumbled into a tiny little grocer which happened to stock the most delicious fresh organic produce -yeeHAH! Not easy to come by lately...and at such good prices! And the girl in there emanated 100% truly lovely, warm spirit I actually wanted to hug her(!) the first person I have wanted to hug even remotely local to this city anyhow!
*I stumbled almost into a film set(yes, daydreaming again...oops) - in any case one of the actor wannabes *meowed* at me like a cat...which is weird cos it is probably a year (to the day or thereabouts) since my last weird pseudo-animal encounter except in that case it was being "woofed" at like a dog...it doesn't matter that I used to be engrossed in the film crowd...or that I am still a kooky bean...some things these larrikin Aussies do still strike me as just plain...weird!
*In my almost 2 weeks of break so far 1 week out and about and 1 week sick at home, I've managed to make a really cool new friend locally^^ who also appreciates my hippie interests...and a GIRL^^ too- wow, talk about progress!!!
It's sure taken AWHILE...and finally...
*Just confirmed flights outta town so something to look forward to in the Summer!
Was a rare nice day out in the city today a good reintroduction back to life outside the cave again...I realise though that with all this Tolle focus on Being...living in the present etc I also have to be very careful to not just interpret this solely in its narrowest possible worldly terms of hedonistic impulses to "enjoy the moment" - need to temper these compulsions somewhat or I could definitely end up very very very broke and possibly more than slightly embarrassed!
wow, was that some ramble or was that some ramble?
p.s this herbal brew a la swine flu is TRULY disgusting :p
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sure I will spill my guts left right and centre especially when I'm stressed but that's a different matter entirely...LOL it doesn't mean I TRUST!!!
In any case a confidante pointed something out to me the other day which was interesting. Basically I had let a negative misrepresentation of me go to another party without bothering to clarify...if it was a positive misrepresentation sure I would have clarified it immediately...but with negative ones...I kinda like to let them go as a "test".
Basically, nobody has that much time or energy to invest in everybody willy nilly so I like to feel potentials out. And being the forever scientist who loves experiments...
Basically if the other party believes the negative misrepresentation without question, I deem them to have failed and they are no longer worth my time...because there is part of me that just expects a certain level of intuitive understanding, or at the very least to have faith in me and think the best of me until proven otherwise.
If they fail, it indicates to me that the other party was judgemental, close minded and has a negative mentality in the first place....all qualities I choose not to have in the people I associate with. If they pass, it shows to me that perhaps, we have a keeper! LOL
There have been so many times when I've sighed and thought to myself: "MAN, I feel like Mr Darcy!!!"
Yes this "test" thing is a rigorous process...but rock solid good friendship is not easy to come by in the first place! Cheers to Lifelong friends :)
My lymph nodes still feel the size of peaches...to be honest I don't think I've ever been this sick in terms of URTIs before. At least I have a stash of needles and herbs with anti-viral properties which help alleviate symptoms somewhat, or I'm sure it would be a whole lot worse...In any case not much can be done and to be dragged off to hospital or whatever is actually a lot more dangerous for someone with compromised immunity...
Anyhow the last couple of days of alone time despite the obvious discomforts of being pretty ill has been much appreciated. It sucks that I feel so obligated by others that I have to be seriously ill just to be able to close myself off and rest without feeling guilty. In my minimal waking hours it has been really good to just close off from that *noise* that is the external world. My favourite pursuit has been reading Mr Tolle...which is like a deep meditation in itself...it really gets me "in the zone" which is a pretty sweet place really :)
Restful holidays are good just cos much of my hypermentality goes with it- my mind is not forced to be constantly operating at 120% capacity or operating on 100% standby.
Maybe I'm getting old...But I really DO like my Quiet Life :)
Monday, June 22, 2009
And No H.O, the hairdryer trick will only work when you catch those weather induced cold colds right at the beginning...but I'm assuming you have a kid spit germ infested one as well...
Apart from that having some interesting tête-à-têtes with my male counterparts- the male Scorpios...interesting breed I rarely come across...so many random strangers have tried to psychoanalyse me but they're the closest to the "real me" yet!
In any case being this sick and two tissue boxes and a pile of gross scrunched up tissues later...suddenly, I have a good excuse to cancel all engagements this week and have some quality sloth at home time!!! After all the noisy workmen leave looking forward to sinking my eyeballs into some quality arthouse cinema...I managed to pick up Andrei Tarkovsky's SOLARIS at a bargain price which I was so happy about cos being where I am 'culture' sure is hard to come by...my local video store only holds 10 copies of all the latest American blockbusters and everytime I go in they say "sorry we don't have that"...it's good though cos it just totally confirms why I don't really need to physically live in the city...few times a year trips should suffice.
Apart from that reading these "new age" books for the first time courtesy of my friend who is in the industry. Now I know why most spiritual bloggers sound the same...the message in these texts are pretty standard...I like Mr Tolle though :)
p.s WELCOME BACK to my Favourite Canuck!!! Missed Ya!!!!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Pretty amusing. I received a msg from a friend complaining: "I have too much money and no free time!" Haha well at least it's better than my usual... "no money AND no free time"...yes, there is always someone worse off than yourself don't forget! LOL
Between the two though I'd much rather have free time to enjoy life...today was the best...stayed at home for the entire day for the first time in a loooong time, watched a dvd (Casino Royale- I am a big 007 fan ;), cooked a nice meal(yay, rice!), listened to 4 of the 6 new cds I got, slept in and slept, cleaned(a little-still long way to go on that one!)...NICE, I LIKE IT!
If anything all the going out and being social the past week just made me remember I still really like and need my ALONE time! LOL, and that Silence is Golden. LOL
I'm still not very accustomed to being around girls so it always shocks me how much they, we...can TALK! yikes!!! Although I verbal diarrhoea a lot in writing, I definitely don't talk ALOT for a girl...maybe relative to a guy. In any case I got a bit annoyed last night when I just really wanted to eat my dinner given the huge amount I had to consume in such a short time(the place was closing) but I kept being interrogated. arghhh. Okay, so certain people might find me very interesting(I am ;)-or at least can be) but SHEESH, let a girl eat!! Please. I don't mind answering loads of questions since I myself am such a curious bean, but I get that people can't talk and eat and swallow and digest all at the same time so I'm a bit more considerate when I interrogate and if I don't shoot questions sporadically and allow chew time, I will at least save automatic fire of several rounds till after... dessert! ;)
Friday, June 19, 2009
So anyway for the next month or so I'm going to try and be accountable for myself and try not to give anybody reason to label (or secretly think) I am a dero, a slacker or a lazy bum! LOL.
Ie that means no turning up late, no crappy slapdash meals, keeping my house impeccably clean on top of all my chores and no hair at all different angles sticking out of a messy ponytail or all over my face...I'm going to try and put a better "minimal effort" into everything I do...
At least for the month...just to see what I'm made of and if I can do it...
And perhaps it will start with clearing up my riffraff blogs and producing something I can look at and think "hey that's actually really good"...for too long now all my energy has gone into my study, work and career- to the extent that is ALL I really care about! I have always dabbled and dipped my finger into every pie and skimmed across the surface hence how I have ended up a jack(shit) at all trades, master of none! Now I know this study/career thing is the first thing I have EVER committed myself to and will be "pretty good" at. It's time to add a second path of mastery...hmmmm just, need to work out what that's going to be! LOL
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Just like the "I love you Aunty Zhen!" reminiscent of another niece.
LOL I TOTALLY RULE in the coolest aunty popularity stakes! haha...it's cos the little folks see me not as a boring adult but a fun co-conspirator in crime and other hijinx ;)
In any case, I am totally buggered. The problem with super smart children is that they are totally hyperactive and need constant mental stimulation...lol, sound like anyone you know ;)?
These kids are also super super energetic so DON'T SLEEP. yikes...I'm sure if I had to do this day in day out 24-7 I wouldn't be quite so popular LOL!
I am so grateful to be now home with noone using me as a jumping castle and pulling my hair or slobbering all over me...listening to all the awesome cds I got brought back which I had bought via Amazon....ahhhhh the joys of adult sanity :-D
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
In any case, as per usual when I finally have free time and headspace, I've been encountering more spiritual "noise" and between that and being relatively social, it's all been a bit hectic and chaotic and slightly overwhelming!
So as much as I complain about being tied down and stuck here I am glad for those two constants in my life...home and school. Before for the longest time I used to keep peeps as my anchors but as we all grow older and everybody defects overseas into their separate paths, well they don't exactly qualify anymore...I am surprised that certain internet friends are surprisingly rock solid- they're always around when I want someone to chat to...it also indicates to me a giving nature so restores my faith in at least a small portion of society again...it is very easy to let one life fall by the wayside when you have both your real life and your internet life....especially the latter during holidays and the former during semester. It would be so easy to just disappear completely from the latter on holidays (and my eyes would thank me for it too!) but then I remember how ever reliable some of my net friends are and I don't think it's very fair to just disappear on them!
There is one affliction I find I have in real life though...and that is that my friends are typically highly transient- they invariably pick up and leave- perhaps that is just reflective of their relative adventurousness or the fact that oz just doesn't offer enough career development opportunities for the ambitious and talented, or that they simply just need a more exciting change of scene, people and lifestyle. To be honest though as much as I like excitement, I actually LIKE to stay put in one spot once I find somewhere I like. I guess for me a home is an anchor, which is even more important for someone who has weak roots and is constantly floating away with such an active mind of introversion, possibility and imagination.
I actually think thinking too much though, or too deeply about anything and everything, as much as it is enjoyable, is a double edged sword. And needing to know the hows and whys of everything can just be one big brain boggle- and let's face it, not all things in life will ever be truly explained. I am actually grateful for my ditzy friends who don't think about things too deeply. I think they're a good influence on me. I'm also grateful that I'm not just a one dimensional "brain" either and that I was born with an inherent ditziness which makes me more versatile...I can at least partially relate to ditzy types...mind you that doesn't make me a Bimbo either! LOL
Monday, June 15, 2009
shutting down like that now...cos
I'm still SO TIRED! Since last Thursday I am out every single day or rather, night - it's a bit too much beyond the comfort of Old Granny here! :p
Saturday will be my first reprieve of not going anywhere (fingers crossed)...looking forward to exclusively just bumming at home(my favourite!) hopefully.
I was looking at my month ahead...I have plans for the next 3 weeks! Suddenly, I feel all antisocial again...and I am acutely aware of a huge long list of things I need to do which one month doesn't seem long enough for. I think I don't have enough time to plan or go on a trip exploring the western frontier so I guess I have to put it off till December...I still feel like I want...need...to just escape everything and hole up in the mountains for 2 days or something just for some fresh air to recharge with the quiet peaceful hermit life...at this rate though I don't know how exactly I'm going to squeeze it in until week 4 :p
I think I went too hard too fast :p Typical, LOL.
In any case tomorrow I am on track to wake up at a decent hour. Saturday I had "breakfast" at 730pm. Sunday 3pm. Today 1130pm...so tomorrow I think my sleep cycle might be back to normal...
Apart from that I had the feeling that I am truly blessed by the Universe today...also I was walking along and suddenly 2 ambulances sirens blaring lights flashing and 2 police cars stopped not 10m from where I had just walked past!!! I still have no idea what happened.
Okay, my brain is mush. Good night!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
In any case I didn't feel too bad about it cos the weather was too horrible to go to the beach anyway which is the only thing I really wanted to do and that could make me get out of the house...except...
*Pub Trivia*!!! Or any games for that matter ;)
I finally, FINALLY made it...and it was so much fun!
I told everybody I'm taking A BREAK which means no treating! Haha my break lasted a whole 2 days...I can't help it, when there's a sick pincushion available...well I just can't help myself :p
My friend remarked that I seem to remember people better by their (medical) case histories...haha now that's pretty sad but it's been known to happen...LOL
oh and Friday night I actually met a cool GIRL! yay and we got chatting for hours and get this...she's even gotten to meet Eckhart Tolle and Doreen Virtue!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
And I blame it all on the high caffeine content of black tea! Especially one left to sit in the pot and brew to maximum concentration... that and the insidious ciggy smoke that permeates into my unit :(
How ironic I'd been suffering major somnolence issues for the past couple weeks which had made study functioning seriously challenging...and just when I finally have the luxury of sleeping to my heart's content...I discover the full proof way to stay awake!!!
With a little reading I found that the stimulant affects of black tea were originally employed for staying awake during whole day meditations...
Damn that means my whole Saturday DAY will be gone...I seriously NEED sleep after the past week...but, I'm still just waiting to actually feel sleepy :p
Be warned, if you're at all chemically sensitive...stick to pure herbals e.g flower teas...
Friday, June 12, 2009
Okay you could summarise it in two words: clinical depression.
Or maybe, maybe it goes like this...
People have expectations and when these are not met, it makes them unhappy.
In any case I am terribly guilty of the "if only I had..." sentiment, then I'd be PERFECTLY HAPPY.
Whether this be money, a partner, kids, or as in my case, *great health*....it doesn't actually equate to happiness...cos somewhere along the line, something else will not meet your hopes and expectations and will make you "not happy". It's an interminable state of affairs...
So this is the way I've come to perceive Happiness...
Basically if your very existence is not in actual jeopardy and you have the essentials necessary to survival eg: food, water, shelter and you're not living in an atmosphere plagued by war, hitmen, massive debts or life-threatening illness...basically, with that criteria...I argue that anything above that should be regarded as "a bonus" so that you should count yourself Happy!
In alternate terms, I guess what I am saying is that our perception needs to change so that we lower our expectations for what we feel we NEED to be happy.
And you need to consciously think about what you are happy for in the present moment...
e.g for me right now I am happy for the Swedish pear cider that sits in a fantastically pleasing wine glass (yes, I AM easy to please), and the spare time and freedom I have with which to sip it at my leisure in the privacy of my own space....in my pyjamas! ;)
Hehe...Happiness then, is forever dynamic and constantly changing, reflected in continual "moments"...
(For the people who are never happy ie those who are clinically depressed, apart from the biomedical view of it being due to chemical imbalance etc...here's an alternative thought...perhaps, it is karmic residue?!)
Or, better put ask yourself...What can I be thankful for and what do I HAVE that makes me Happy? Yes Folks, it's all about keeping that glass half FULL mentality!
Now...Stop whingeing and go back to work!!! (hehe that's what I would usually be saying to myself except for the fact that now I can be a bum as much as I wish...*sigh...now that's what I call SUPER DUPER HAPPINESS!^^ haha)
p.s this is what sounds like sheer happiness to me...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
after some conversation we came to this same conclusion...
You're going along all happy-pappy...and suddenly something causes you stress, the stress continues to eat into you and wear you down...and then you're vulnerable...so absolutely your entire life woes ever come crashing over you...back to haunt you in your dreams, in your sleep...plague you night and day...completely irrelevant to your initial stressor....and all really really serious musings...
But then...once the paper is done...suddenly the clouds have lifted and all the demons go away...well that's the way we think it works anyway!
Whatever the case I realise I have lots of "stuff" that needs to be dealt with...things I've just avoided and distracted with busy-ness and "band-aid" solutions...other people can only offer you comforting words, temporary relief but the ROOT needs to be dealt with...which means getting back to "Source"...
it must be a mysterious side effect of all those days-old dubious left overs I've been doing since I've been slacking off and putting off going out to get food and cooking...
I am feeling very relaxed now but the crazy ideas are coming thick and fast...they seem to change 180 on a daily basis-today the thought was I want to be a Canadian... and I want to go live on Prince Edward Island! Sheesh, talk about weird and random. I guess as an Eccentric I can't help myself ;)
Apart from that I keep seeing 11:11 and 1:11-no other multiple numbers of late oh maybe a 444 or so. And I'm feeling incredibly frivolous lately- maybe because it keeps me amused...
oh and the other thought going through my mind was...is it a good idea to wear untried and untested heels if you have to walk up a stage in front of people...or is that just tempting fate...I'm feeling adventurous though ;)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Friggin hell...that honestly took so many consecutive days and >30 naps waiting for it to come...honestly with me I suck at deadlines especially in regards to humanities and airy fairy stuff that requires any kind of creativity...I am LEFT-BRAINED damnit! So if I don't get that lightning bolt of inspiration, it's just as well dead in the water...CAN'T DO ANYTHING!
So what did I learn with this? The best solution while you are waiting is to drink red wine(to chill out) read lots no matter how much it sends you to sleep and talk to lots of people to bounce ideas off...inevitably, eventually some tiny detail will permeate your subconscious and come to you in your sleep... ironically, it was that key word again-BALANCE- which will form the pivotal conept in my paper....but without that inspiring lighthouse moment, it's just a horrible waiting game of perseverence!
Finally I can almost Smile like I mean it. *sigh
I know the name sounds a bit rude but really don't you think Bacon is such a cute term of endearment? I realised that a special few near and dear to me tend to all have cutesy terms of endearment ie: either something animal related or something that is cute(even if seemingly derogatory lol). So if I start calling you something cutesy or animal like...that totally means you have "made it" in Z affections so don't be offended LOL!
The last 3 days have been completely paralysed by stress which results in nothing but total inaction - implosion/external manifestation of internal spontaneous combustion- and more total inaction...but is inevitable when I get this run down (basically once or twice a year). Thank goodness for my mates! :)
In any case the last two nights of red wine "therapy" have really, really helped a lot ;)...been totally out of it-needing to lie down/sleep every three hours and having a muggy head bogged in cloudy slime which lucid thoughts were not able to penetrate or move around in...think it was a case of sheer exhaustion complicated by major blood deficiency and stasis(no I didn't try and treat myself-it's very hard to do effectively for yourself). I think by tomorrow I'll be fully functional again (fingers crossed) which will be good cos I really want to nail this sucker!
And Disappear into the Sunset, the warm waves and the golden sand :)
This is looking to be a possibility too :) just toying with the idea in my hyperactive head, along with a zillion other ideas...still haven't yet decided definitively how I will spend the month...all I know is I NEED THE BREAK DAMNIT!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
In any case I'm listening to Thelonious Monk which is a total change of the dominant listening genre for me...and debating whether I should try to attempt starting my final paper, or whether I should wait till my brain feels like it's fully inside my head.
I think I've had enough of blogging for a bit too...all I really want to do is go lose myself in a film, a good piece of music or a good gallery...yeah, nice to connect with the "real world" again!
I guess I might post again when my life goes back to pressure cooker compulsory virtual mode and I'll need the blog to let off steam...Later!!!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I feel like all my juices have been sucked out of me. One more assessment to start and finish then- will have "a life" in just over a week...and MAN do I have a whole lot of "life" to catch up on!!! :-p I think I'll start by ditching the city and shacking up in some remote area with good views, clean air and quiet!!!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Dina, I'll be sending you when I'm done with exams...in the meantime think of what you want hehe ;) I WISH I was a friggin genie and could just wish my studies done and my qualifications finalised and my skills superb...even if I did have magical powers I bet there is some law that you can't wish for personal gain :p...hence I just need to find my personal genie who WORKS...blergh.
M, can you put in a request for me? I need LUCK LUCK LUCK with this next one especially!
In this latest incident, my friend who's been out of work for months and months...not heard from him for months so I wrote him to check up on how he's going...he wrote back with still no news quite dejected so I sent one immediately back with a few words of good vibes...I guess there was intent cos he tells me that 2 hours after receiving my email he got a call from the company he has been waiting on for MONTHS and he actually got given a job and is now employed!!! How about that!! NICE. And enough to make me really excited at 1am in the morning anyway (apart from the fact that I only just finished studying ready for the exam tomorrow...blergh talk about eye strain...