It's Bad Manners...

DUDE! stop rubbing it in!

I find myself getting offended that while I sink under a mountain of work and deadlines and STRESS, my mate on the other side of the globe is living it up including attending gig(probably with free ticket!) of one of MY musical heroes, listening to MY theme song live AND getting pics taken with her(STONED OR NOT!)

How very damn rude.

You so better introduce me to these mates with all the muso connections when I'm over there! OWE. I so want to make you eat live baby octopus....RIGHT...NOW.

Another day down...phew! ...and a reasonably interesting one at that...
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Random question: is it narcissistic and egoistic to only want custom made stuff?

It's like once you have custom made ANYTHING, it is pain...PAIN... to have to adorn with/own mass produced junk! Happened to meet a jewellery designer whose work I like...tempted to ask him to make me a piece, with me as a co-designer. There is something just so attractive about making individualised creative anything. I'm so tempted to accept an offer of custom made wood furniture except who knows where I'll be on the globe this time next year?! Also, lacking in any skills myself and not made of money, how on earth do I pay for these things?! Needles or Herbs anyone?

Stress Paralysis

If it wasn't a medical condition already well here, I coin the term. This has been happening a lot to me the last few weeks but it seems to have reached crisis point. Basically I am paralysed into non action- all I have been doing, is coming to my blog to try and vent, lying in bed(escape) or eating chocolate. I completely drew a blank the other day in a test and my mind got paralysed...blank paper.

The worst part of all of this stress paralysis is that...the longer I dwell in non-action, the more dire and more reason to stress my situation gets! I really think I am just SO TIRED besides the stress I really feel incapable of doing - I think it is really state of being burnt out, like when my successful but healthy career driven journo friend worked really hard and intensely for days on end and then one day found she just could not move out of bed...and was cute enough to go to the doctor about it.

But people around me are all in the same boat, so I will try and derive inspiration by the examples they set. In this case, the mind has to rise above the body. In 2 hours I want THIS DONE. okay get to it...

Hello, Grandma!

Those are precisely the only two words I know in the language of my soon to be exotic host country. The irony being that they are no use since they are of no use for me to say to anybody but myself!

In any case it does invite peals of laughter just cos it is "so cute" when I do say it, so I guess at least some people out there are benefiting!

I really started to practically feel like a grandma from my interior and exterior lately...just cos predominantly mingling with people one, two or several generations younger inside and outside is starting to bring up some glaring "not with the times" deficiencies on my part...especially as pertains to technology! Lately my young friends have erupted in giggles when they observed me in complete ignoramus delight to find out what (left caret) 3, (hyphen hyphen right caret) and * (space) does! They really thought everyone knows these things and then I turn to them and say...do you even remember a world without internet or mobile phones? You know TETRIS? Actually from MY generation(well actually that was when computer screens were black and green and it was a cheap free game called "NYET"). Daria? Yeah, MY generation too! REALLY!?!! They reply incredulously...well then what IS my generation? Those touchscreen technology "rhythm" games I reply...Pokemon? "rofl" "lol" "cya" and the age of nobody being able to spell whole worlds anymore?

So yes! Grandmas do know a thing or two TOO!

In any case I also noticed I derive a lot of comfort talking to older folks- sort of the minimum age where people start to make a bit more sense and I understand most without needing a go-between interpreter seems 40yo and up because I seemed to have been born at least one or two generations too late. So anyway I spoke to one of these older folks for the first time yesterday and he was truly truly surprised that I could talk to him about his interests and older: lawn bowls anyone? ;) since looking 10 years younger than I actually am he had assumed I was 2-3 generations behind him! It was quite fun actually- the shock surprise factor- I love demolishing people's preconceived ideas.

It's pretty easy to do actually when you suffer Generational Displacement and Lost in Confusion.

Anyway Grandma's had her once weekly manageable lie down & afternoon nap and Bob is On so maybe a sweet little old lady is back at least for the weekend, lol!!!

p.s My greatest achievement in joining modern society would definitely be the "Blog"...think I deserve at least a "merit" for being able to rant & verbal diarrhoea to myself all day and all night long through virtual means. It's also the longest I have ever applied myself to something that wasn't compulsory!

Selling One's Soul

As the days blur into nights and the nights blur into days, I miss breakfast cos I have no time, I forget to breathe and am always in a rush, my body aches from overexertion and my panda eyes become ever more cavernous from ridiculous amounts of chronic sleep deprivation, I come back to a house full of a sink of dirty dishes to eat and mess to eat takeaway dinner at 10pm and I feel so exhausted that just sitting down is a relief and comfort, and as stress levels in me and everyone around me go through the roof, I had a grand revelation...

After five years of selling my soul and neglecting everything else around me by necessity and default....fuelled by grandiose and idealistic delusions of being able to "help people...and help save the world!", life is too short to live like this... I'm TIRED. Leave it for someone with more energy and drive.

I just want to enjoy a quiet peaceful life. Minimal stress, minimal dramas.

I always got so insulted when my mum has ingrained in me all my life that career for women is unimportant and bears no fruit since she's just going to have kids and be a housewife after all. I don't wholely agree with that since in these modern days we have a lot more flexible options...but I started to come off my feminist high horse a bit as I get older- it was definitely something I had to find out for myself and in my own time.

Probably it is my growing exposure to truly sick people or people with a whole globe of problems to weigh them down coupled with my own dramatic life experiences that I've started to see a much bigger picture.

And so although I like it all and will probably do my career stuff...after this period is over, I'm definitely going to stop selling my soul for something so unimportant...in the big picture.

Life is too short: I want to actually savour it and enjoy each breath. But I just need to make it through the next couple of panda eyes white hair wrinkle growing months first...I'm too close to the finish line to just throw it all down the drain...and I've already sacrificed way too much...

I feel like I need to end on a positive...I had three lorrikeets visit by my window recently...that was pretty interesting and unusual. It's weird, me and birds. I feel like they have a message for me somehow but I'm not sure exactly...what. Maybe they are just here to bring cheer and hope and a bit of much needed energy!

Another extrovert

it's sort of like Murphy's Law but with extroverts! Me and Bday twin seem to be Extrovert MAGNETS! Or not even that...people magnets - even when trying to hide in solitude away from the masses always get found!!!

We were walking and suddenly she sees an old schoolmate. Content to give a polite nod of acknowledgement from a distance we walk away...but NO the extrovert chases after us and stops us! Not only that he then needs to have an introduction AND shake my hand despite them being comfortably and hygenically in my pockets. Grudgingly took them out to do that dreaded shake hands thing...and his ring is so big and intrusive it scratches and hurts my hand...not only that I now feel all germed out.

MAN extroverts are Nuisances!

I really need to make sure I put hand sanitizer back in my bag.

I think we 9 november girls just ain't ever gonna win any popularity prizes...maybe ones for "Most anti-social"!

Oh wow, oh wow!

I was actually the RECIPIENT of TWO sort of Random Acts of Kindness today- yay yay! Such an unusual feeling!

It's amazing how much better and less drained I feel. Really though in two years of living in this city....I can't ever recall anyone ever doing anything nice FOR me!

It's just a whole lot of bad vibes which I seem to absorb like a sponge cleaning my environment....we so need many many more lightworkers and good people around here, it's just so dark and heavy and gloomy and negative and rank, the atmosphere.

In any case, my last few definite months of living in this city, my experience here is being carefully scrutinized, reflected on and analysed...cos the big decisions eg to emigrate or not...need to be made!

If only I could live in a nice & good people exclusive bubble where the sun is always shining and the sky is full of rainbows.

Karma And Hope?

So if you feel you've had a lot of sh*t happen to you and you really have no idea what you've done to warrant quite so much...we like to think and actually some Buddhist scholars say, it has everything to do with misdemeanours from a PAST life...

Which is exactly why despite all the rants and raves, I still am a pretty damn good cookie, although my thoughts do tip over the rail temporarily from time to time but my actions have always stayed above board! Strangely though to many humans (and they have commented) this defies reason, logic and most of all human instinct. This is probably cos I do believe in this "Karma" thing and I don't want to invite any more even if it is for a next life which presumably I won't even know to connect two and two anyway.

In any case though, those few times when you are around to witness karma in action in the "what comes around goes around" in the short space of a portion of a human life where your memory is still in tact to connect two and two- wow, it is pretty amazing to witness someone receiving their just desserts...In the past month I have witnessed this happen twice - to a friend who was severely wronged- that person had exactly what he had inflicted upon her done unto him. And another person's uncompassionate and selfish behaviour- wow circumstances unfolded so suddenly their life ain't so cruisy and they will have to learn selflessness and compassion by experience. Not that I have particular qualms with either of these people I just couldn't help but stop to observe how the shape of energy given back seemed to be cookie cutter duplicate of that original energy they had given out!

So yep, next time you even start to THINK bad intentions, you better try and halt those in their tracks...and definitely don't act on them even if it is anti-reason. As my bday twin says "we can't let ourselves sink to that level", lol...a higher power is there to serve just punishments, we're just humans, we don't know or understand sh*t, we just like to fantasize that we do ;)

Please Keep Me Warm, Santa!

I don't know what happened but suddenly I find myself exhibiting some sense of normalcy because my emaciated frame is actually starting to feel the cold for the first time, probably ever. I have no idea how this is going to work when I am traversing the far extremes of the Opposite Pole in the height of Winter...

I can only hope that maybe Santa will bring me an extra warm set of gloves, earmuffs, jackets, thermals, furry hats and scarves if I so require.

That also leads me to some concern...how exactly am I supposed to fit that much in my luggage- must I travel with a TRUNK? Yikes.

Something tells me I'm going to need some nice Northern hemisphere person to grant me the favour of dumping a load of stuff at theirs while I do my happy wanderings... three continents, experiencing multiple cultures, half a year...or more...I canna wait!!!

Opinion: On Extreme Extrovert By Extreme Introvert

I was present to witness my bday twin in conversation with our resident in your face >800 FB friend extroverted manwhore. It wasn't pretty. But it did make me giggle at the lack of connection- it was like watching a ball being thrown and each side kept dropping the ball like total klutzes.

The conversation was painful. Extrovert keeps harrassing introvert...listening but not hearing, not absorbing. As a fellow introvert and relatively more experienced and sharpened by years of annoying extroverts, I totally understood even if he didn't and almost felt compelled to pick up the ball and pass it over - stop the protracted agony by being the go-between translator!

What I find is that extroverts so misunderstand us that rather than listening to what we are trying to tell them all they are focused on is themselves and why does this person not like me, why does this person not want to talk to me?

If people say introverted people are self-absorbed off in their own worlds of thoughts and feelings I counter the opposite:extroverted people are so self obsessed that all they do is talk AT you revolving around themselves rather than ever take in or listen to what you are actually trying to say when they do pause to breathe and invite you to speak.

I'm starting to think that for me as an extreme introvert I can only take other introverts especially if I have to appreciate large doses of other people's company. Extroverts for more than small doses make my head spin and tend to make me feel like the blood has been drained from my veins...or at the very least...very physically exhausted and needing a whole day to recover. Why o why am I always surrounded by and subjected to so many Extreme Extroverts?? I guess it is a lesson in learning tolerance and forgiveness...and TOLERANCE. arghhhhhhh!

Man, I need a Coconut!

a weekly coconut is my one scheduled highlight (and much needed qi and yin tonic) of every week...unfortunately though due to the fighting in Thailand, I haven't managed to get my "fix" this week...*depressed*!

Testing One's Mettle

I had a really good almost vindicating dream alluding to life after a very challenging day- it was really good to come back to centre...basically I think these times are a good exercise in character development- all these challenges...there is great strength in cultivating and mastering the art of no reaction.

My bday twin is very comforting though- it is bizarre how on the same wavelength we are- it's almost like for example, we call each other up in the morning- decide to dress the same, come at the same time, bring the exact same drink etc, except that we don't! It is always fun everytime I see her to note what accidental similarities have occurred that day. What is that neat expression for "human clone" again?...doppelgänger! It is really quite uncanny, and thus very cool. Apart from that, surprisingly I am very grateful and appreciative of BOTH my Alma Maters recently-they've been handy...in retrospect.

Oh and also very grateful to G...who lended me a hand that saved me SO MUCH precious time...I love my (True) friends! :)

How to be liked in this country.

1) Be sociable, drink beer.
2) Act dumb.
3) Blend in. Do not stand out. Go under the radar.
4) Look Good.
5) Be good at Sport.

I find it sad that smart people here act dumb on purpose but it's actually the most socially intelligent thing to do. Cos this country likes nothing better than to cut down tall poppies. I find that a sad state of affairs- and I really don't understand why it really is so particular to this country!

In any case having achieved above list and you do find yourself popular, well liked and socially successful then be prepared to be hated by the people who are jealous of you or who will stab you in the back as soon as you're not looking.

It's like an unwinnable situation...A strategic and rather skilled dynamic balance between the two is needed...don't stand out in either a good way or bad way...fly under the radar! Now I understand why this expression is so popular here on reality tv/game shows.

All The Things I Never Said.

I had a crazy "My Name is Earl" inspired moment tonight where I thought hey...I want to say all those things I never said! And how wonderful it would be to free of baggage and not live with regrets.

But anyway my sensibilities kicked in and I thought "eh...why delve back into the past?" Moving forward I'm just going to say what I think and feel like there is no tomorrow.

It didn't occur to me what a huge mystery I am just in normal communications with people until so many people completely misinterpreted/misunderstood me and told me about it lately! In any case it's always very interesting to hear honest feedback from people- things that from your point of view you were never ever aware of that is how you came across to the outside world etc...

Saturday Nights Out Are Creepy.

Last few days I've felt sick and incredibly tired. At 7pm I felt it was bedtime but it was 2 more hours I would have to wait to forcibly drag myself out to attend G(my last friend left in this city's) big 30th!

So anyway. Rip off taxi drivers, way too many dodgy, skanky cig smoking people on the street and male harrassment aside I was in a jazz club. Which was all fine and dandy until...the singer opened her mouth....the audio visual that immediately came to mind was: Cat being mauled in a washing machine. Ouch! Totally harsh and ungracious spectator I know. Sorry. Just, where music is concerned I have high standards and I was expecting something more at the level of angelic voice a la Katie Noonan...but no such luck. And not only that, despite the instrumental band being good, the group felt the need to play adulterated pop jazz crap and that is when I really let out a couple of sighs and wanted to bury my face in my hands...Why is it so rare to find REALLY GOOD jazz in this city...I guess I'll have to sate my expectations in Prague, Warsaw or Manhattan...

Texted my music INTJ mate my state of woe to which he wisely replied that I'd learnt my lesson and I should stick to my INTJ instincts next time...eg stay at home on a Saturday night! LOL

Yup, I'd much rather spend my Saturday nights IN cuddled up on the couch with a good DVD or book and some hot chocolate. Okay, or even studying in this instance :P

Ironically though as soon as I left that little box of too many random people who I immediately just categorised (by virtue of being in this city) as daggy, pretentious tryhards or sleazes looking for a hookup, and was out in the fresh air walking next to some marvellous old fig? trees under the open sky, I felt a whole lot better....and THAT my friends was the most enjoyable part of my Saturday night!

LOL, some people were just BORN to be Party Poopers. G is lucky I left early ;)

To be fair I am just in such an anti-this city sick of this country mode right now-it's not SUCH a hole here- my mind is just far far away all over the globe anywhere but here! And the reality is getting closer, if I want...the opportunity is tangibly there for me to defect...I just need to work out where!

Let's grow old together^^

You know sometimes you are so close to/spend so much time with other people that you end up becoming like them and they end up becoming like you? I think it's known as the "couple effect" lol...well I'm happy to realise I have THREE partners in life...who knew I was such a philanderer ;)

American Intrigue

Okay rarely do those two words warrant being juxtaposed but I have to say...wow!

I learnt something cool that is American.

Yeah I blame it on the fact we get saturated with too much American culture with crap American TV- it leaves one not much wanting in terms of wanting to find out more!

p.s Have the okay from all parties...globetrotting sojourn gonna happen...counting down the days! ^^

Strange Coincidence...

How interesting is this- random dude who cropped up in this post...coincidentally turns out to be another b'day twin of mine!!! Cool^^ Suddenly the world's p[opulation to me seems a lot brighter-haha- I now know 3 b'day twins- all tres tres cool people!!!

And mentioning b'day twins...have just gotten cheap tix for a winter retreat(whales included ;) out of this madhouse-yay!!!

Digging a Hole to...

Gave my b'day twin my usual 12 hourly update. She responded that my daily life is like the following image:

hapless soul sitting in a cave slowly picking away with a pick-axe.

I agreed with the imagery immediately but added that in a couple of months a hole will finally be made and the light will shine through.

And a random thought- to add to my growing disturbance of how crazy the modern world is these days...making babies seems to be less and less an organic process rather than a very scientific one full of schedules, tables, graphs, charts, theories, tests and supplements. Not being able to make babies organically being on the rise seems very much one of Today's Diseases- our crappy lifestyles, crappy environment, diet...

But on a better note a lady on herbs I told offhand should be pregnant soon given my observation of ladies on chinese herbs...yup, in less than 1.5 months...preggers- wow that was quick! Good work, Herbies! :)

Now I will take my one oportunity to crash into bed before midnight after I do the laundry, wash the dishes, boil my herbs yada yada yada...exhaustion (but still enough energy to whinge and whine about it ;)

Happy Wanderings...

Got talking to my mate when it occurred to me his suggestion that I would soon be a dero vagrant was RIGHT. Yet I was surprised how differently the thought made me feel compared to a previous life....prior, the whole thought of being "of no fixed address" with no fixed schedule or plan might have made me totally anxiety ridden and insecure...these days it actually feels like the room I need to breathe...reassuring...a sense of at least some guaranteed personal freedom.

The other thing I found interesting which I noticed recently which was different is...perhaps my nerves are frazzled or my mind is too overloaded with not enough sleep but my memory these days is really quite shite!

I was walking early evening when it was quite dark when suddenly some random passing stranger interrupts my off the planet musings to say hello....not only that he calls me by name! Very impressive...Who are you Random Stranger I asked? Do I know you? (Yikes, how rude that must seem).

Then he explains how we met and recalls our exact specific conversation of the first and only time we met perhaps 1.5-2 years ago? (I'm not kidding). It was then that I remember "oh I have met you before! How on earth did you remember me and my name?!"

WOW. I used to have that great a memory. "Don't worry, I'll remember your name for next time"- I reassured him. Even if my memory is shite these days I rarely make the exact same mistake or overlook the exact same thing twice. Mistakes and failings...yep that's the best way to learn!

It was a Team Effort!

Yay, finally something nice to report for once...been such a dodgy student due to all external challenges and difficulties lately.

Have a presentation tomorrow...when classmates heard this arvo had not started and freaked out on my behalf, I got stressed.

But I also answered that I have complete and utter faith in my partner and I knew that we'd get it done cos she is a productivity and efficiency terminator- as opposed to me who is like a slug to get anything done whether I like it or not...if I hate it it's cos I hate it, if I like it it's cos I get so stuck into it I go into so much depth the ocean would swallow you 100x over.

So anyway just shy of 1am, our combined effort and DONE (we know each other well and work well together very complementary)... A PRETTY GOOD JOB too- I don't think anybody can tell it was a night before job! Yay, even enough time for some shut eye...fingers crossed X. Nights, Peeps.

Living in a foreign culture...

One thing I am looking forward to is that when I have hunger cravings on a Sunday evening I can just go out and get something tasty!

Had a major pie craving and after walking ALL around the block the only thing I could find open was the dingiest of pubs- yes that is something my country excels at! I am really quite sick of this country, the culture, its people...definitely need to get away so that when I come back I can appreciate it again. The longer I live here the more I notice things I don't like seem to be on the increase.

Sunday night is a black hole here... I'm looking forward to experiencing cultures where at night it's still happening and alive and not just with doof doof clubs and sleazy bars. Really, this country is very boring at night. I guess it's worse in New Zealand but hey at least they have spectacular nature and clean air everywhere and lots of sheep :)

I think I start to understand why all my my age and older friends left a looooong time ago and didn't come back! This city is too oversaturated in baby souls, bimbos and himbos, american culture and obnoxious extroverts. And not very conducive to that which isn't...I still love the natural geography we enjoy though...not many places can beat it!

Best Kids Cartoon...

PONYO! Hands down...Hayao Miyazaki's latest... SO CUTE! I especially love the song that rolls with the credits. Fun to sing along to...the Japanese are just too cute- I'm going to claim them as My peeps!!!

Hello, Ms Cheery!

Well that would be ME^^

I put it down to all the time I've given myself away from annoying, selfish, demanding people with bad energy. Also with TAKING MY ENERGY BACK from all the undeservings out there. Before I just gave out to all that needed, without realising I DON'T HAVE TO! Especially if it's just going to drain me and make ME soaked in bad vibes and exhausted.

For a while, especially before reading about HSPs I used to feel guilty about being anti-social and doing things for ME but now I realise it's actually a basic functional necessity...things like QUIET time and time ALONE.

Yay! Why HELLO, Ms CHEERY!!! ^^

Embrace your Intuitive Ability.

Today I finally made peace with this and am very grateful. I realised being able to see through people's crap from the get go means that I don't have to go for joyrides down garden paths like some poor hapless souls seem to. It is especially useful to be able to "screen" like this at first meetings where people are always so keen to make good impressions this is often when half truths or false personas seem to come out a lot. This also narrows hugely the population I can be bothered investing in. It's a Glass Half Full for me personally at the end of the day though, I think.

A Deep Need

I suddenly realised I have a deep need for an "I Don't Care." t-shirt!

And I think also an "I Don't Care" singlet or something to wear under my shirt when treating patients.

It'll be seriously cool...like magic LDS underwear! ;)

You saw it here first.

My Secret Oasis

To be honest, the past month has been so testing and challenging day in day out 24-7 on pretty well every conceivable front, I was ready to go dig a hole and lie in it!

HOWEVER.

A couple of days ago out of my usual routes I happened to come across a pretty little natural nook right near my hell-hole concrete jungle tucked away so hidden and out of everywhere barely anybody knows about it...

Today I finally had time to visit. Energetically I felt I needed to just go sit there. So I did....WOW. There is one huge big old conker tree- so old with branches reaching out in colourful autumn shade, to be honest I felt its presence to be like a very wisened, doting and protective grandfather- the safest and most comforted I've felt in a long time. I really felt a bit like a little pixy- nature fairy-druid? curled up in one of the nooks of this big Grandfather tree...

My Special Place :)

So anyway, I am smiling again...I'd been pestering the Universe feeling very much in need of a spiritual mentor, an old sage...envisioning perhaps a wise monk or person of clergy...however Mother Nature gave me this secret place to myself and a Big Wise Old Grandfather Tree.

Suddenly I feel like I can breathe a bit less laboured again and that I have a special place to escape to when life gets too rough :)

Back on Track

It's funny sometimes how things happen...

a couple of days ago I borrowed a DVD, but when I opened up the case...there was a completely different disc in there! Not knowing anything about it but not feeling up to doing much I thought "what the heck" I'll watch it...

It turned out to be on of the most fortunate accidents that could have happened...because the story really resonated in a profound way....So in short...

It's pushed me Back on track...Going to hit the books!!!...Until I can hear that blood and sweat dripping onto them!!! Welcome back, My Dear "Speccy Spotty" (Student) Life! :)

P.S Masses of Gratitude and Thanksgiving it's MAY today!!!! *relief*