Thursday, May 27, 2010

Selling One's Soul

As the days blur into nights and the nights blur into days, I miss breakfast cos I have no time, I forget to breathe and am always in a rush, my body aches from overexertion and my panda eyes become ever more cavernous from ridiculous amounts of chronic sleep deprivation, I come back to a house full of a sink of dirty dishes to eat and mess to eat takeaway dinner at 10pm and I feel so exhausted that just sitting down is a relief and comfort, and as stress levels in me and everyone around me go through the roof, I had a grand revelation...

After five years of selling my soul and neglecting everything else around me by necessity and default....fuelled by grandiose and idealistic delusions of being able to "help people...and help save the world!", life is too short to live like this... I'm TIRED. Leave it for someone with more energy and drive.

I just want to enjoy a quiet peaceful life. Minimal stress, minimal dramas.

I always got so insulted when my mum has ingrained in me all my life that career for women is unimportant and bears no fruit since she's just going to have kids and be a housewife after all. I don't wholely agree with that since in these modern days we have a lot more flexible options...but I started to come off my feminist high horse a bit as I get older- it was definitely something I had to find out for myself and in my own time.

Probably it is my growing exposure to truly sick people or people with a whole globe of problems to weigh them down coupled with my own dramatic life experiences that I've started to see a much bigger picture.

And so although I like it all and will probably do my career stuff...after this period is over, I'm definitely going to stop selling my soul for something so the big picture.

Life is too short: I want to actually savour it and enjoy each breath. But I just need to make it through the next couple of panda eyes white hair wrinkle growing months first...I'm too close to the finish line to just throw it all down the drain...and I've already sacrificed way too much...

I feel like I need to end on a positive...I had three lorrikeets visit by my window recently...that was pretty interesting and unusual. It's weird, me and birds. I feel like they have a message for me somehow but I'm not sure exactly...what. Maybe they are just here to bring cheer and hope and a bit of much needed energy!


Franko Gnedo said...

Strange that a couple of my favourite songs refer to three little birds. They sing "don't worry about a thing cause every little thing is going to be all right". You sound like you are burning out and need some balance. Take it more easy if you can Zhen.

HappyOrganist said...

Wow 'cheer and needed energy' that's sweet (profound). and possibly true. ;D

Hey - I wanted to save the world once, too. But I kind of realized that I can change the world for the people I meet. Just the people I meet may be my kids and their friends (other children who play at our house), people I meet on the street, smiles I give to (again - strangers on the street). What is it with strangers on the street?
Anyway - I think we all have our own sphere of people whose life we can influence and save (to be dramatic about it. But really I've had people save my life in a lot of ways before - so why not). I'll leave religion out of it - but for the record it's very "in it" for me. And I don't know that we do the saving but we sure are the means for it in some ways (and I sure appreciate the people who have influenced my life for the better). Yes - I throw my acupuncturists and even western docs in the pile. But also in that pile are my mother, father, sister, brother, friends, neighbors, aunts uncles, mexican friends (can't forget them), and so on.
We can all save a lot of people (touch a lot of people's lives). We just dont' know who it will be. And sometimes it's who we don't expect and probably didn't plan to affect.
But thems the breaks.
Ain't it fun?

Now go get some SLEEP!!!!

or maybe take a holiday...

zhen said...

hey nice observation!! I'm VERY FAMILIAR with that song actually...and I think it's just about time I put it on...RIGHT NOW.

the other one that seems to come out during these times besides that one is GARBAGE's "not my idea of a good time"!

unfortunately that is the ugliness of it all- very rigid containment in a steel box- no rubberband leeway...