Crazy Ideas with The Saturn Return!

So it's been "tomorrow" and then some, but I'm still feeling quarterlife crisis-y...

I guess it all comes down to being triggered- so last week there was a series of events which reminded me of human fragility, mortality etc and that life is short...and hence that we should ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!

this thought sent me into a tailspin examining my current life, and how it is so rigid with no scope for fun that if I really think about it I feel very much like a caged bird...and long to be free as a butterfly!

I guess The Saturn Return also compels you to look at your life and question "what is really important to me"? and I realise I have a great desire to be with nature, in a natural environment and to feel free...

but in the city I really feel like a caged bird. Not only that but although this is the city I know best, I really don't feel like I belong. I guess it is like my friend who is moving to Melbourne- she went for the first time only last week but immediately thought "I'm home"...even though I knew nobody in my regional town and the general population were all retirees some decades my senior, I felt a lot more at home. True Sydneysiders just seem so ridiculously pretentious especially to those of us who regularly interact with people ex-Sydney...

So spur of the moment crazy idea...maybe I should fling aside some 'duty' for a bit and investigate my dream: I want to live off the land! or at least try it so maybe spend the summer on a farm fruitpicking(!!!)

Basically when I really dug deep asking what I want in life- the honest answer that came back was shamefully simple and very disturbing...a far cry from my big headed idealism of trying to help heal people via TCM...

Basically, all I really want is to have a cottage on a reasonably secluded rural or coastal property where clean air and beautiful space is abundant, and sit on the verandah in a rocking chair with a cup of tea, watching the gum trees sway in the breeze listening to the kookaburras laugh while the sun sets and my chickens and ducks peck and wander aimlessly...and maybe being able to walk to a desolate beach round the corner for a run with my tin tin dog and to squelch my bare feet in the wet sand and then come back to my organic veggie patch and fruit trees to pick some fresh produce in time for dinner. That's all- not too much to ask?!(!!) Somehow it feels wrong to have such self serving desires and to not have a purpose that benefits the wider community...

LOL when I read back though that...sheesh! what I want in life just shows how much of an Old Granny lives in this body!