Now this is a seriously disturbing thought...

Not yet half way through, and it's not just that the going is tough...

Since I embarked on my studies with the idealistic "I'm going to to save the world with..." plus I want my own career, my own business etc, I've been living a very blinkered one track-minded and limited version of life...

Foregoing several opportunities, making quite a few sacrifices, turning lots of blind eyes in the process...cos God forbid if anything take me off my track!

My first semblance of a wake up call came in January via a supernatural meeting of sorts, la la la although I didn't miss that it was Huge, because I'm anti-confrontational at my core, I still chose to ignore it...then recently the health scares, that was the second major wake up call...and I think THAT'S the one that really kicked in(cos that is something all too familiar I can relate to)...

So having had Time to reflect on these wake-up calls, I realised what I am living is not really living, it's merely existing and for what? For a career! Hmmm, somehow with this new mindset, the maths doesn't really seem to add up...

A health caring, life-saving career is all fine and well and noble but as older, wiser K :) pointed out, you can't help others unless you can help yourself...and with my ongoing medical issues, I've pretty much been near killing myself to try and achieve what I thought has always been my ultimate dream...to have a purposeful and fulfilling career and run a successful business.

But I noticed, perhaps I already inherently have in my character the capacity to help a lot of people in a big way...and perhaps a further tool is not necessary since isn't that all that matters in The Big Picture??

an aside, the number of random depressed/people with issues I seem to have attracted into my life in the past couple of months especially has really been completely uncanny! And I think although I did use tcm as a tool, I think the tools that really made the difference was more my big mouthed logical psychobabble and my care...

I don't know maybe it's the wisdom you get with having lived longer...but having those two wakeup calls, I'm starting to realise maybe I was wrong...in the Grand Scheme of LIFE, career is probably not that big a deal in terms of what makes you Happy long-term! In the case of healthcaring, it can actually be quite stressful being surrounded by sick and miserable people with their negative vibes all the time! And...Life is short!

So....I dunno. We'll see...I guess there'll be good scope for really honest soulsearching within myself when I'm in the middle of woop woop with nothing but the sky and the grass to distract me....that's if I pass through this semester and still have the option to choose(!!)

Control freak tendancies even for your own life are soooo irrational but that is the nature of the human beast: we're imperfect beings.

Grandma.

Today two things happened- one large and significant, and one small and trivial: however both contributed to an immense feeling of FEELING OLD :P

This morning we welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the family :) I now have 2 nephews and 2 nieces directly and many more too numerous to mention. I am an AUNTY so many times over!

Eeek, I feel old.

Furthermore...a passing comment from a friend on my short hair:
"Your hair suits your age"

...so we're only 6 years apart, but surely that doesn't make me too old for long hair to suit either??!

Hmmm, at my age my mother already had 2 toddlers! Sometimes, I feel a bit like that Coldplay song "Talk" cos the lyrics mention "going nowhere much too fast".

I guess that is the seed which starts the whole quarterlife crisis thing- because we have so many expectations of what people should be doing and what they should have achieved by certain ages, when we don't fit into these social conventions then it's easy to feel a bit...crisis-y!

Urgh, I hate feeling old, I know, it's so irrational but I guess it's all relative(you feel it more as a mature age student amongst high school freshies for sure!).

Even so, I definitely cannot relate to 75% of people my immediate age. Maybe I should make a concerted effort to try and understand them better by making myself go out and interact with more of them- maybe they can teach me how to be my own age?!

In any case there's that saying: "you're only as old as you feel."

Well I feel at least 60. And my joints crack and ache too :p LOL

Crazy Ideas with The Saturn Return!

So it's been "tomorrow" and then some, but I'm still feeling quarterlife crisis-y...

I guess it all comes down to being triggered- so last week there was a series of events which reminded me of human fragility, mortality etc and that life is short...and hence that we should ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!

this thought sent me into a tailspin examining my current life, and how it is so rigid with no scope for fun that if I really think about it I feel very much like a caged bird...and long to be free as a butterfly!

I guess The Saturn Return also compels you to look at your life and question "what is really important to me"? and I realise I have a great desire to be with nature, in a natural environment and to feel free...

but in the city I really feel like a caged bird. Not only that but although this is the city I know best, I really don't feel like I belong. I guess it is like my friend who is moving to Melbourne- she went for the first time only last week but immediately thought "I'm home"...even though I knew nobody in my regional town and the general population were all retirees some decades my senior, I felt a lot more at home. True Sydneysiders just seem so ridiculously pretentious especially to those of us who regularly interact with people ex-Sydney...

So spur of the moment crazy idea...maybe I should fling aside some 'duty' for a bit and investigate my dream: I want to live off the land! or at least try it so maybe spend the summer on a farm fruitpicking(!!!)

Basically when I really dug deep asking what I want in life- the honest answer that came back was shamefully simple and very disturbing...a far cry from my big headed idealism of trying to help heal people via TCM...

Basically, all I really want is to have a cottage on a reasonably secluded rural or coastal property where clean air and beautiful space is abundant, and sit on the verandah in a rocking chair with a cup of tea, watching the gum trees sway in the breeze listening to the kookaburras laugh while the sun sets and my chickens and ducks peck and wander aimlessly...and maybe being able to walk to a desolate beach round the corner for a run with my tin tin dog and to squelch my bare feet in the wet sand and then come back to my organic veggie patch and fruit trees to pick some fresh produce in time for dinner. That's all- not too much to ask?!(!!) Somehow it feels wrong to have such self serving desires and to not have a purpose that benefits the wider community...

LOL when I read back though that...sheesh! what I want in life just shows how much of an Old Granny lives in this body!

When Chaos Reigns...

Look for opportunity! Apparently that's a sentiment from the I-Ching. About a year ago or so I started noticing what I perceived as a premature "mid-life crisis"...my in-the-know friend however, wisely informed me it was noneother than the quarter-life crisis! The thing is, when I look around, it's not just me- havoc seems to be toying with most people of my immediate vintage - it's certainly a really "happening" time!

Growing Pains?!!!

Everything started making a whole lot more sense when I accidentally found out about the astrological concept of The Saturn Return...this is pertinent to all those in the vicinity of the big 3-0! Very interesting!

Like I've been saying since I was 16, I can't wait to be 40...now I know why!

Attachment: the root of all...

Suffering!

This is probably one of the most salient messages I get from Buddhist philosophy...

I've finally managed to completely let go of my quarter life/mid-life crisis and related guilt I'd been subconsciously holding in and...I've never felt so unfettered in my life! Thus, Being Happy seems a cinch!

I think when one can rid themselves of attachments it is so easy to feel Inner Peace. It is especially easy to get into this state after a practice of qigong and I must say it helps with my empath problem so I'm more resilient to taking on and absorbing other people's emotions.

I really don't know why more people don't take up this amazing tool for self healing and health maintenance. I really believe if more people did this, they wouldn't be so completely burdened by so many problems which I think modern life tremendously amplifies.

Qigong helps you to detach, be completely in the present, feel nothingness...

And when one is detached from ideas, persons, material things, ego...well nothing can really trouble them!

Since I've been such a depressed/people with problems MAGNET of late I think I'm reasonably qualified to observe that:

Unhappy people tend to feel a void in their lives and look OUTSIDE themselves to try and satiate the "Hole" - typically binge drinking or eating, needing a partner, escapism...well, the truth is you can never be content this way cos-like the age old cliche- Happiness comes from WITHIN!

And I can honestly say, from learning all these things first hand(the hard way), the only person you can rely on is yourself! So start Soul Searching and Helping Yourself! I'll allow myself this seemingly flippant insensitivity and also: "My ears need a vacation!!"

Now all the numerous trials and tribulations I have undergone which has been ALOT relative to my age...wow the mysterious destined nature of it all which I had always pondered is all becoming very clear now...

it is exactly what experience I needed to have under my belt in order to fulfil my life purpose of helping others to heal...sometimes I look back and wish, damn why can't I have just learnt it all by reading self-help books? LOL But it's not the same, without the first hand experience you don't have that vital compassion and understanding...

Here is a card I happened to randomly pick up which I really like. Note the Ducks- they're like my animal totem or something :)