Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Now this is a seriously disturbing thought...

Not yet half way through, and it's not just that the going is tough...

Since I embarked on my studies with the idealistic "I'm going to to save the world with..." plus I want my own career, my own business etc, I've been living a very blinkered one track-minded and limited version of life...

Foregoing several opportunities, making quite a few sacrifices, turning lots of blind eyes in the process...cos God forbid if anything take me off my track!

My first semblance of a wake up call came in January via a supernatural meeting of sorts, la la la although I didn't miss that it was Huge, because I'm anti-confrontational at my core, I still chose to ignore it...then recently the health scares, that was the second major wake up call...and I think THAT'S the one that really kicked in(cos that is something all too familiar I can relate to)...

So having had Time to reflect on these wake-up calls, I realised what I am living is not really living, it's merely existing and for what? For a career! Hmmm, somehow with this new mindset, the maths doesn't really seem to add up...

A health caring, life-saving career is all fine and well and noble but as older, wiser K :) pointed out, you can't help others unless you can help yourself...and with my ongoing medical issues, I've pretty much been near killing myself to try and achieve what I thought has always been my ultimate dream...to have a purposeful and fulfilling career and run a successful business.

But I noticed, perhaps I already inherently have in my character the capacity to help a lot of people in a big way...and perhaps a further tool is not necessary since isn't that all that matters in The Big Picture??

an aside, the number of random depressed/people with issues I seem to have attracted into my life in the past couple of months especially has really been completely uncanny! And I think although I did use tcm as a tool, I think the tools that really made the difference was more my big mouthed logical psychobabble and my care...

I don't know maybe it's the wisdom you get with having lived longer...but having those two wakeup calls, I'm starting to realise maybe I was wrong...in the Grand Scheme of LIFE, career is probably not that big a deal in terms of what makes you Happy long-term! In the case of healthcaring, it can actually be quite stressful being surrounded by sick and miserable people with their negative vibes all the time! And...Life is short!

So....I dunno. We'll see...I guess there'll be good scope for really honest soulsearching within myself when I'm in the middle of woop woop with nothing but the sky and the grass to distract me....that's if I pass through this semester and still have the option to choose(!!)

Control freak tendancies even for your own life are soooo irrational but that is the nature of the human beast: we're imperfect beings.

4 comments:

markymark2099 said...

A lot of BOLD font style on your entry this time round, more than usual :P

Dina said...

I am feeling SO nosey about this January thing......

Sounds exciting.

I wish I can say all the confusing soul-searching ends when you're out of college, get married, and make babies.

It doesn't.

At least it hasn't for me.

My theory is you FINALLY figure it all out and then that night you drop dead.

Shannanigans said...

#28 on my list: To live instead of exist

I think my career is the last thing on my list of what satisfies me and makes my life whole. It is a means to an end to get me to the place I need to be completely satisfied

Caroline said...

Life is about living! Let your heart guide you through. Remember you are not your career! Everything will fall into place..just put your thoughts out "there" about how ou can help...then stand back and let it happen.