Throwing in the Towel with those born post 1955 or so...

So anyway ironically for this grandpa yet another weekend I am pulling out *slightly*...TRASHED, after keeping hours more akin to a teen...I guess hedonism knows no boundaries, age, geography or otherwise lol...I will go all out to indulge my passions and interests especially during the summer when I am not so frozen that my little "pieds" can't move myself places like off the couch, lol.

So...I just emerged from a 10 hour recovery after being out and about for over 24hours...and got maybe 3 hours sleep in a 36 hour period.

Saw a great live music gig which was EXACTLY what I needed after a horrible time attempting to extend an olive branch by a rare "getting to know" my own alien generation...so anyway, as usual for me these days post gig I got chatting to an old guy...hmmm he must have been in his 70s since his granddaughter was just 25...anyway it was FANTASTIC to be able to talk culture, SHARED interests, passions and think-resonate rather than be met with the usual blank empty stares and have a similar enthusiasm and flowing easy conversation of opinions for mine to be met with...ANYWAY basically after that he helped me to conclude that my interests and mentality are just nothing shared by Gen X/Y but rather of OLD people...so basically I got a peace in my heart to just 99% give up on trying such semblances of normality of hanging with my own generation range and engage 100% in whatever lack of convention that floats my boat such as associating with the granny generation and being a total eccentric kook! :)

Anyway it felt good to have that validation in the observation from a complete random stranger...I have always associated with much older people since I can remember and been observed that I am "mature" for my age group but in the past year or so meeting cool people closer to DOUBLE my age or more in my life have been just non-stop whether I am in retirement dense populations or not! I would have to say in the past few months I have met at least 20 really cool dudes of a variety of ages born prior to 1955...for whatever reason they just feel like at least a true EQUAL I can talk to and in that sense it is much easier because I find it so hard to find people I don't feel are BABIES or that I can admire and respect nearer my own generation...

Okay FG just in case you are reading there is one noticeable anomaly to this rule observation...I have noticed that for some reason males born in the period 1969-1970 I tend to get on with, but typically asian-ised ones or ones that really appreciate asian culture...oh and eccentric/quirky non generic weirdo misfits of any generation are usually always good...yup I guess that covers my favourite peeps in Utah! LOL

FINALLY I hear rain....thank goodness for a reprieve from this heat and humidity. Actually as I was chatting to one of these overseas "uniques" this morning it was interesting to hear the pre dawn early morning wake up twitter of birds...when I heard THAT I realised it was time I'd better be getting to bed! LOL...who can blame me if I end up taking a few days to get back into normal day night cycles again...

Oh two more revelations I had...I met some stereotypical super nerds...so I realise I am SO not the NERD I've fantasised or like to make myself out to be (rather I was just wanting to be in my usual subversive reaction to the dominant anti-nerd culture here)....but I am NOTHING like stereotypical nerds mentally....nothing in common...stereotypical nerds can actually be so narrow minded they are actually boring and rigid or rather limited in their ability to think outside a square/creatively or to be open to other ways of thinking... Typical for me I fall into neither nerd or non nerd...i think I exist totally on my own planet of...perhaps..UBERCOOL, lol...perhaps a bit like The Little Prince, hehe. I think it is typical for super introverts to be so involved and self absorbed with their niche things that they can easily stop being able to relate to anybody that lives on the dominant planet.

In recent days I felt that my life is so unusual and surreal I felt like I had stepped out of "The Matrix" or similar as the normal world or rather society around me just seems so alien...and I'm still not quite adjusting. I feel very detached and that there is no overlap between my concerns and their concerns. Then when I had been up for so long and only half lucid and was chatting to my mate overseas waiting for my hair to dry I really felt like I was the mad hatter from Alice in Wonderland spouting non stop rambling gobbledigook that I was so impressed he was able to keep up with and not shut down completely or even continue the conversation...

I guess I like old people cos that is about the only time I am reassured that I still hail from the species "homo sapiens", lol...

Manners are a sign of good breeding

LOL maybe I'm starting to show my age/grandma tendencies. But seriously the mediocre level of courtesy and manners exhibited in Australia these days is appalling...basically the only place worse I would think is China and Hongkong...Australia is still asia anyway just a more white looking asia...


I can't say I was ever a classist snob or anything but as the disintegration of society and civil decency fuelled by the internet continues with the youngins, whenever I encounter, I SERIOUSLY appreciate
a) basic manners and courtesy
b) people being able to spell using full words and sentences with correct grammar and punctuation
c) people being able to keep appointments with some degree of promptness rather than relying on being able to call through with delay or cancellation by mobile phone 5 minutes beforehand...no wonder most health practitioners now charge full fees if not given 24 hours notice!
d) people who think of others

Anyway that was just my rant for today, obviously we need class leaders in manners and etiquette and civil courtesy...Japanese, Swiss etc to come over and give the youth of Australia the education they LACK! I'm ashamed to welcome international visitors over when they are subjected to rudeness on the level you get here.

Too bad I look so young?!!

Cos otherwise I could date 50+yr old men...lol j.k (since these are the ONLY local men I seem to get on with).

So anyway a 57 year old told me I look just 17 or 18(!!!) I think...probably my average would be early/mid twenties...depends a lot how I dress and whether I open my mouth to speak...so yeah my age range even without a film set support crew I can appear to be is quite extreme.

Wow, no wonder it seems BOYS under 25 are always the ones that try to chat me up in real life...I guess I should stop seeing it as a negative thing and feel flattered rather than always thinking immediately "omg I am almost double your age this is embarrasing"!)

In any case they have absolutely no finesse...they need classes from Europeans!!! The last thing that will work on an INTJ female is blatant dumb or uncreative flirtation or generic routines or meaningless small talk from a random stranger. That is why you will either get a very flat toned factual response or a scowl and your object walk away...(just in case someone surfs in because they wanted the low down on INTJ females ;)

So anyway yesterday I went to my first big music festival for a long time....WOW I felt like Grandma!!! Society has degenerated and deteriorated so much in the last 10 years...there was TRASH everywhere and I really do notice the young generation now is so inconsiderate, they don't care for anything outside themselves and their immediate experience like other people or the environment.

It really hit me how old I feel when I realised I don't even LIKE the smell of weed anymore, when there was a time when I didn't mind it and even reasonably enjoyed the smell of "herbs" lol...I think it's time for grandma to hang up her festival boots and go get out the knitting needles...prefer the comfort of my own home than dirty filthy stinky ratty conditions anyday...next time I want to see a good band I'll try and get tickets to them only...ratty festival environments and 19hour days are not for me...so anyway I still feel trashed and hung over...need need serious REST!

Linear Time

So it finally struck me this obsession everyone seems to have with linear time... perhaps best reflected by that issue of AGE...cos I guess I've felt so old inside my whole life... that it's always been like a serious WAITING GAME for the rest of my peers to "catch up"! Suddenly though it dawned on me that perhaps I am starting to look a bit older on the outside and not only do I feel old and somewhat mature inside but even on the OUTSIDE! Oh and also that it is a gravity orientated and linear process...ie the only way is...forward and DOWN! Hello...wrinkles and white hair- arghhhh! (Okay not quite there yet but I can imagine...)

So I was just reflecting on how, now, with such a realisation I might adjust things in my life? Cos the other thing with linear human time is that there is a definite end point too!

Apart from that I'm really starting to enjoy the arranging fresh cut flowers in vases in my house thing...it's actually kind of disconcerting to realise (and admit) I am sooo turning into a...Girrrrl!!

Anyway my belly calls...need to go COOK! Eh the life of domesticated bliss...gotta love it! ;)

CHoP goEs the PoNytail!!!

Awwww.

It's amazing how much can change with a haircut...In terms of age timeline I've been all over the joint the past few years in terms of maturity of haircut but for a good year or so it's been the ponytail just cos I have been so busy and isolated to get them!

In any case today the tail got lost and by default I think I aged at least about 5 years...wow. Now it's more like a mature and sophisticated chic bob....I can't quite say I like it. But the response was starkly obvious. People from higher socioeconomic classes and people that are sycophantic to them eg salespeople treated me better. People from lower socioeconomic classes eg train station attendants treated me much less nicely and were almost dicky seething resentment on purpose!

I have mixed feelings re losing the tail and looking older. I guess for me a part clings to the messy girly ponytail cos it represents youth, innocence(idealism), liberated freedom and free spiritedness, daydreaminess and just a hint of asian cutesyness...the bob represents more...the reserved euro, responsibility especially to behaving more an adult, lol and more groundedness and practical realism. Blergh I never was quite able to merge my two most dominant styles/personalities into a workable simultaneous boho-chic like perhaps a Kate Moss or Stella McCartney might have been able to pull off...

And I am sad that now cowgirl hats do not suit, lol. Anyway I guess that is just testimony to a struggle in integrating all my many layers- that's what you get with complex people! LOL- everyday is a different look, persona lol depending on mood, function, dress sense etc...

But anyway it was really nice to get to have lunch with a good busy career gal friend especially sharing the frustrations over the disadvantages smart successful independent women get heaped with in this country...

And as always, SOOOOOO glad to return to "The Sanctuary"...being too long in the city just makes me shrink a little with it's low&icky vibration...

DON'T KNOW WHY

...I ever bothered with people my own age...I guess it was cos it was a non negotiable compulsory burden of having to go to school where there are grades. Not sure whether it's a case of Grew Up or Just Grew Old especially in the past year...I've reached a point where there is just absolutely no meaningful overlap I have with any normal typical person of my age vintage...yet with the 15-20 years and up...Bingo!*Natural resonance*...and it's happened so many times now over and over for such a protracted period I've realised it's not just a lucky strike...I've discovered that part of society where I should really belong cos my thoughts my values my interests gel with this generation... Yup I was meant to grow up during the Hippie era...

..."Modern Civilised Society" is so F*ck*n Crazy...Having children is now treated like some kind of rightful entitlement where you can just place your order like fast food, but for a bit more dosh...I'm referring to the rise and rise of artificial birth, most worryingly by single women who decided they can't find a man but they want a kid...someone I know recently confided in me that she'd asked a friend to be a sperm donor...has our generation REALLY got so cynical and jaded that we're prepared to rear a whole generation of test tube babie who have not the luxury of ever knowing two parents? I don't know about you, but my opinionated opinion is that in all our power obsessed material wealth my crazy generation has gotten a bit out of hand thinking how much they can buy...and to be honest...I think it's completely selfish...Okay I'm also ranting about this cos a friend said to me that when he gets back he wants kids and if I'm desperate to give him a yell...he wants two kids 1 girl 1 boy....no duh. This mentality and approach to unnatural reproduction just disgusts me...well I did say that I was meant to be born a Hippie!!! And just to let you know I STILL feel absolutely no sense of clucky...I actually feel sorry for kids being brought into the society I live in as it stands today.

...I go absolutely NUTS whenever there is a Big Cheese a.k.a Full Moon...
I was wondering why everything felt so WEIRD more so than a usual Full Moon...and then I was chuffed to find out the Full Moon was in Scorpio yesterday...as a Scorpio I guess I must have been a lot more affected than usual...but really so many strange things happened last night, particularly had issues with normally genial dogs barking and acting very aggressively and wanting to make zhen mince...last night was an extreme mixture of scary-creepy...and I literally felt a huge sense of relief when it ticked over into the wee hours of today.

...It's News when...
My most famous birthday twin, Delta Goodrem, made the front page of our newspapers the other day just because she was seen holding hands with an 18 year old...I pity myself when I live in a country and culture where something SO TRIVIAL is considered "news". At the same time though, it made me grin cos as much as I like much OLDER people and find my own generation incredibly grating and exasperating to my psyche, I DO agree with her... I really like that much younger generation that starts at 8 years my junior too- they are pretty cool... Hiya Robe :) Hiya 007! :D

So anyway it's really quite an exciting new era for me on so many fronts... I had another big major life revelation which many would find shocking...but we'll see what happens...and where God leads me :)

Zhen Makes A MESS.

LOL that title reminds me of one of those Mr Men kid's storybook series...I reckon I should start my OWN series...LOL *Narcissism*! hahahaha

So anyway, THIS is what I am talking about....

*yikes*

So how did I get myself into such a MESSY predicament? WELL. If you know me super duper well you will know that my very favourite food EVER is Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!! ^^ ^^ ^^

Like seriously, I love Pies so much I have in fact even been called "Pie" as an alternative name(!)

So ANYWAY. What happens is that these past few years I managed to get through Winter cos I had two friends in town that would make me Pies however one has since deserted to Africa and the other the UK. So that left me Cold & PIE-less!!! Which meant I needed to take matters into my own two hands!!...*shakes head sadly*

Ah what the heck, for PIE it's WORTH IT! But Boy did I exert so much energy having to make and clean up after the Pie can you blame that I almost ate the entire dish all by myself?? To be perfectly honest I am used to being waited on hand and foot- TB usually makes the entire pie let's me eat more of it and cleans up afterward, all the while while I just sit there curled in a couch sipping tea or muching chocolates... Yep, I don't mind Men waiting on me like royalty...LOL..feminist "independent and capable" is sooo passe! ;)

Anyway back to the important part...the Pie specifications...
Cos I was feeling a bit lazy I made an Organic Pizza/Pasta Sauce pie...with beef mince, onion, carrots and quinoa(all beef is just too heavy), baby corn and peas, and potato and pumpkin mash....covered with a butter puff pastry top...YUUUUUUM!!! :D...however being lazy I would usually wrap the entire thing in a a kind of pillow case-but seeing as it's butter pastry I thought I should keep it to a single layer...so I just used a ceramic dish and stuck a sheet over the top- who knew it would get SO SO STUCK and MESSY! Never again...It's not so fun when there's no TB or L to clean up after you...how funny they are both Venus in Cancers...if you want someone who loves to cook for you and look after you I highly recommend a Venus in Cancer-I've had four cook and clean for me in total so trust me on this one :)

Apart from that I had a great time chatting with a 44yo man I met today. LOL I'm starting to work up some impressive numbers with this pattern here- is the universe trying to tell me something? Like maybe they are the people I most naturally get along with and relate to without even trying? LOL

Anyway I felt a bit guilty at the elitism that is starting to creep in to my psyche...I can't get myself to associate with people my own age-basically unless they have gained maturity through being married or having kids or some other traumatic life experience (LOL) I can't help but think of them as little children that are a waste of effort to talk to...like an annoying little sister or brother. Basically after all the many random people I have talked to I worked out that never married childless boys do not become men until say about the age of FORTY on average. Women are kind of close...it's cos of this generation of Extended Adolescents...anyway I need to work up the nerve to try and get along with someone-anyone within 10 years of my own age. I think I'm making myself just cos it seems so undo-able LOL! P.S Nine+ years still qualifies! ;)

Oh and these are the two sets of cheapo uggs that I add to my ever burgeoninig but TOTALLY practically necessary shoe collection! :D



And one final confession...I'm kind of addicted to GREEN&BLACKS organic dark 60% chocolate with organic crystallized ginger...lol it did cross my mind that maybe I should be a chococlate reviewer and get companies to send me free samples LOL...and that No H.O, unfortunately the bar just reviewed CANNOT be sent in the post and irradiated- that would just be doing it total injustice...I'm pretty sure you can get it in the states though...or else you'll just have to visit Down Under when the Munchkins are old enough...LOL

All Grown Up!!!

WOW. It makes me feel about a hundred years old when I heard one of my highschool contemporaries is actually engaged. This is the girl who was so immature that she would bounce me insinuatingly obvious looks whenever I was in even vague near proximity of an XY chromosome pair. Any Male/female relations were always such a big deal...well I did attend an all girls school, but still!!

So anyway yeah...wow! I really do feel about a hundred years old when I see people I found so childish and babyish finally progressed to being a bit more grown up- for me it feels like 4 lifetimes ago already LOL! No wonder I can't relate to people my age especially with people from my typically professional career ambitious backgrounds...cos stuff like that doesn't help you get any more mature but MARRIAGE and MARRIED LIFE (& BABIES) sure does!!!

They just think I'm weird...I'm STILL (im)patiently waiting for them to GROW UP!

LOL, who am I talking about? My Generation of course. THE EXTENDED ADOLESCENTS, lol I just came across this term recently and I think it aptly describes my entire generation.

In any case I was telling another old soul type around my age about my make three friends within 5 years of me either side this year goal-project and he didn't even say "Good Luck!" He just very matter of factly stated: "You need a Miracle."

LOL!!! Initially, as the ever hopeful optimist I took this as negative defeatism, however now I start to think maybe he was just being completely, realistically honest(which is most welcome in this era of Neptune in Pisces affliction ;)

So anyway yep. Still a huge chasm I feel with people vaguely my own age but maybe it is my geography since Oz is such a baby and young soul hot pot and the nearest metropolis is the worst offender. Maybe this chasm with my generation will never go away...maybe those NICE, OLD men I seem to meet and get chatting with so often that feel so natural to me, well...maybe in a few years I might consider them LOL...right now though the thought of being a stepmother to humans remotely close in age to me is really quite horrifying...

As my mother recently conceded "you need an OLD man." (if any :-p, her idea is always that women do). She advises 10 years MAX. Around 20 is what seems to hit the sweet spot in terms of true mental compatibility&connection though...but until I grow a few more white hairs, wrinkles and get some extra KGs it still looks terribly SUS being seen alone with them! :p

At the end of the day though, to be quite frank, I really do like my life the way it is right now(although a career again would be really nice too)....

Maybe I will never relate to people my own age? And maybe that's the way it's meant to be. Which is why my life has never EVER been boring!! :)

I can already guess it now-just cos this is how hilarious my life has always been...ironic... I'm going to end up with the complete reverse...a toyboy 10-20 years younger. You saw it here first!!! LOL of course I was just imagining the most amusing outcome...Young things suit my many planets in Libra though *wink*

MISSION: (IM)POSSIBLE: ACQUIRE AGE APPROPRIATE FRIENDS.

LOL okay maybe the title is more fun than the actual post...cos let's face it without chocolate this flower is fading after a busy day...

so anyway I found myself surrounded by people my age...and I felt myself feeling rather wigged out. Just cos it's so unfamiliar-the squirm factor induced was reminiscent of how I used to feel being around females. Until I spent a GOOD DEAL OF EFFORT over a period of two years learning and trying to understand the fairer sex and how to relate to them...

But seriously people my own age may as well be from another galaxy after my past few months of near exclusive 50s and up associations...if bonafide green faced aliens dropped from the sky I'd probably find I had even more in common with them than people my own age! lol.

So anyway I realised I've got a bit of an "issue" that needs addressing. Enter PROJECT: Make Age appropriate friends! Make a concerted effort to get to know and understand some and hopefully by the end of the year emerge a bit more clued in about typical people my age and with 3 new friends...the limiting criteria 10 years diameter or 5 years either side of me eg must fall in age bracket 25-35 and the tricky twist just for a bit of added IMpossibility, lol...one HAS to be a local aussie...not travellers, exotic foreigners...

I have three targets in mind...now I just need to wait till I find those rare moments where I feel up to being THAT social...LOL! Should be fun...haha, maybe I will even learn how to be more NORMAL...ha! As they say, fake it until you make it...but do I really want to? :P

All washed up...so depressing!

Someone who first met me several years ago was recounting when she first saw me, and comparing the vision to me now. Basically the idea that came across is that I'm SO PAST MY PRIME :P

blergh...it does mention this in ancient chinese texts...basically the ancients reckoned a woman is "washed up" at 7X4 years...

*sigh* lol, now I need to start liking that phrase "ageing gracefully"...

on a happier note, I saw a pretty enjoyable cool film today...(500) days of Summer. If you like my kind of music and film...and quirky characters...definitely go see it! The SOUNDTRACK is pure awesomeness...

I ain't no Spring Chicken!

In this year 2009, it has really struck me how I'm just not like the young chick I was 10 years ago...suddenly, I tire so easily! I look at my 24 year old friend - seemingly not SO MUCH younger than me- who goes out 4 nights in a row, 6 nights a week, week in week out, works, boozes big time and smokes...and still has energy to spare...meanwhile I go out for a tame one week to celebrate my new found freedom and I spend the next 1.5 weeks recovering totally sick!

I can feel this Hermit really retreating into a new stage of life...perhaps all that youthful restlessness has gone and I no longer want or can handle so much "exciting" external noise anymore...I'm pretty content to just do my own thing at home...cos even on holidays, there never seems to be enough time!!! So probably I am doing too much and need to simplify and minimalise a bit more...

Somehow I think it is so much easier to do when my environment isn't so noisy and bustling...I'm so hanging out for getting outta the city permanently...day in, day out, I am dreaming of The Simple Life...it will be great to be able to "Just Be" without feeling that I have to be doing something, constantly :p

Different.

Since about the age of 11 or 12 I've always known I'm "different". I figured it's a common enough self-perception around that age and I figured it's just something I would "grow out of" after my teens...alas so many years later...I feel just as "different" as ever!!!

Anyway that thought just came up when someone randomly brought up the premise that everybody "puts on a social front".

The "everybody" part I disagree with but I had noticed back in the big wide world again that facades are a very common way of life but I always just attributed it to people who lacked self confidence, or occasionally people acting appropriate to a context/situation, rather than...Sadly, Social Front is The Norm! :-p

I disagreed because I know for me, no matter what the case, I never do the whole "facade" thing...I think putting on a facade is a totally different concept to having more reservation with showing aspects of your character in reference to context/appropriateness/familiarity...but then I realised...not putting on a social front: THAT is more of an abnormality!

Just cos I don't do them AT ALL, people who do facades really irk me possibly because generally I see straight through them so I never understand the point - probably why I'm not the biggest fan of people...

maybe that is The common thread of all people who love animals? ...at least you always know you're getting real and sincere interaction.

In any case, I guess the fact that social fronts are rife in society and the norm, it just shows how much emphasis humans put on having social acceptance.

In any case, now that my family has "allowed me" to become the adult I am, I realise WOW I don't just feel old inside secretly anymore, I act it too- I feel a lot more in common with my interactions with people older or much, much younger but not my own age. I think when you've been chronically ill from youth you are way more advanced in maturity because you possess a Life Perspective people your own age just don't- hence I feel kinda bad but often when I interact with people in my own age group I find myself abhorring my snobbery of thought..."what babies!"

S, some kind of soul friend on the opposite side of the world who the Universe granted when I expressed a wish for a penpal I'll still be writing to at 60 ;)

also feels similarly displaced (more from being in a long term relationship from youth which is another premature maturer and a foundation of which I also share), she says she generally can't stand people in our age group cos the things they talk about, their concerns just seem so trivial. I have to agree there...in any case I am SO GRATEFUL for the minority of mature interactions I do get...it keeps me sane and still having a love of humans!

I don't know, if I could turn back time...maybe it would have been good to be young and ignorant and grow up normally, rather than be such an old soul in such a young looking body from such a young age- cos really, it just doesn't work well with all the preconceived ideas humans assign to age...

I can't decide whether I'm a grandma or a 40 year old man...

Okay, so I copped out. Right now I should be schmoozing amongst fresh faces and getting more practice interacting with people my own age. But honestly by 8pm already having attended a function prior, I was pooped and given the option of a quick fuss free 10minute ride home or having a real arse of a time trying to commute home late at night with the inevitable beer goggled drongos that harangue you and security issues with not being able to get a cab and not being able to get a lift cos everybody's too pissed to give you a lift, well I thought it was a justified cop out.

Next time, I promise. I just don't think I can do more than one event per night- I'm just not cut out for it!

A shame, cos I'm sure it would have been...interesting.

This reminder of what a GRANDMA I am is just an echo of what I felt on my trip. I honestly felt like I was about 40 relative to the twenty somethings. And the people I got talking to or rather, bothered to talk to me...as always...40 year old men! I swear, for some strange reason, since about the age of 18, men 10-20 years older are the easiest subsector of society to talk to! With younger people, well they're just so young! With women, well I'm just not that girly: most of the time I really don't get them! It is the late thirties-forty year old men who are the easiest to talk to and the most interesting by far as well as the most stress free- I don't have to make a concerted or contrived effort - somehow conversation just comes very naturally, topics and all- I guess somewhere within me must lie a 4o year old man LOL!

The only problem is that...it looks kinda bad. I remember the first time my sister noticed this strange trend of mine- she was quick to accuse "which 36 year old man hangs out with an 18 year old - he must be a paedophile!" And what's worse is that when you're asian you look 10 years younger than your true age and all non-asians look about 10 years older than their true age- hence, I am intensely aware of the fact that this kind of association can very easily be misconstrued as something really quite unsavoury....

I guess some people were just never meant to fit into societal norms...*sigh*

No Spring Chicken...

245am? hmmm...think the stress of my massive workload-deadlines-exams is starting to get to me...I did however manage to get my obligatory nerd out for dinner with a whole bunch of my age people though...

but rather than being an enjoyable experience, it was kinda as it usually is...very disorientating! And then I start to think arghhhh I'm still a student...arghhhh I still have so much longer being a slave to my studies and this limited lifestyle...arghhh I've spent a third of my life studying...but then I hit some sense back into myself and think, it's my choice anyway and all the sacrifices will be worth it by that which I gain...

It also kinda freaked me out when I found out these My age Males- those who I've only ever known as immature, irresponsible BOYS...they're gonna be....Fathers??! Scary...that's when it really hits you...you're old!!! LOL there's something to be said for these herbal tonics...it seems like so many people on these have fallen pregnant by accident.

On another note - therapeutic this incessant rambling - I'm really looking forward to my personal retreat- I've totally reached that point where I really really need to get out of the city and commune with a natural environment. It's gonna be really good: total relaxation, scenic. I'm looking forward to sucking up that fresh ocean air, looking for whales with my super duper binoculars, taking good photos, doing art, doing chi kung on the beach, going to yoga classes, talking to hippies, talking to people from different countries, watching movies, sussing out herbs and new health foods, scoping the place out to set up business and live, SPACE...and should be rather "interesting" when the girls come up for the weekend...

On another note, I think adults are so jaded because if like a child you get really excited and hopeful about stuff and have expectations and they aren't met, it's pretty disappointing. It's easier to go into everything with a negative/cynical view and then when it turns out well you can be pleasantly surprised...

On a final note these chain smoking neighbours and the bad/non-existent ventilation here is REALLY DRIVING ME INSANE. If I had to wish any one group in the world to be permanently exterminated, without hesitation, I'd say: Smokers- the real scourge on society and our ailing health system!

Oceans Apart

One thing I don't like about the colder months is that everywhere people around tend to be all doom and gloom. I don't know if that is mainly a cityfolk thing though (I think the overbearing cynicism might be.)

That's why the older I get I must admit, the more I love the company of young kids. They are happy, carefree and innocent most of them not having been exposed to all that lies outside that protective cocoon so don't know how to be any other way. Adults are so jaded.

I must say although I have been incredibly cheery and upbeat despite a lot of this feeling around me, since Chicky's passing yesterday I kinda temporarily succumbed to the prevailing atmosphere.

I'm not sure why it hit me so hard. I couldn't sleep. I think it has a lot to do with it being an echo incredibly coincidentally exactly a year to the day since the tragic and sudden loss of L which was one of the most traumatic experiences in my life to date...

I was recalling this (and all the rest) and thinking to myself...far out I'm only 27- yet I have been through SO much- and it is at this juncture I look around at the other people my age and MAN they are so different!!! I feel massively at odds by comparison which can best be described as a feeling of Oceans Apart. For at least the last 10 years I have felt at least 30 and honestly, I cannot believe I'm not even there yet!

I think the biggest positive that has come out of a fairly challenging and sobering youth is that you gain a much greater perspective on life customary of much, much older people and it certainly helps having this in my profession. The other hugely positive outcome is that you definitely have a much greater threshold in terms of resilience in adversity.

Today in class the lecturer mentioned something I found interesting: Emotions recall memories. By that logic it makes sense that emotional people have great memories. I'd say that'd be me.

And I'll end this large ramble with the one reminder I seem to have to keep leaving with the majority of twenty somethings in crisis, that old cliche: "Happiness comes from within!"