Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Friend Situation

So I know I bitch and moan and groan about how disgusting and horrible city living is but I gotta admit I like
a) being able to go out for short trips and duck home again even several times a day if I want to...it's kinda handy having a city pad...even when I move regional if it's feasible I'd very much like to keep a city pad.

b)relatively, there are more things happening and more to do than if I was in woop woop- although I have no problem entertaining myself watching kids go night fishing or admiring the blanket of twinkling stars, walking along open roads and breathing fresh air any time of day cos it was SAFE!

ANYHOW. I rang my sole friend who lives in the city thinking I'd drop over since I'd be his way trying to find this elusive black tourmaline. But no...finally the entire year of flirting with several girls a week(he's a Leo-need I say more?!) on the internet has paid off...he hesitates..."my girlfriend is coming". Oh. I know he feels torn between being a good friend and being a new boyfriend. It's okaaaaay I say. "I get it". I'm actually really relieved to hear that he's finally decided to commit to one and stop toying with so many even though that inevitably means less of a friend for me!

Anyway I'm used to the friend desertion...in the beginning it was being deserted by all the adventurous/ambitious friends who left this country for more exciting career prospects in more exciting pastures. These days at this age it's generally the hooking up thing...cos conventionally speaking, Now is the "correct" time to be settling down...cos most of my friends historically have been male I guess I've felt the desertion more cos typically their girlfriends tend to impose a "you can't hang out with other females thing"...and if not, they feel inappropriate doing so anyway...there have been many times when people I don't really know have seen me with single guy friends who were not my partner and I have to admit although there was nothing untoward going on it didn't look too good!

Whatever the case, my conclusion...it's not a good idea being "taken off the market" young cos you could have spent a lot more time expanding your social circle since people were at an age where they were more interested in making friends rather than partners :P That is the only thing I've learnt and if I ever have kids I'm sure as hell going to advise them not to settle down too early for many reasons, that just being one! (Oh the joy of learning through mistakes! the good thing being I rarely make the same mistake twice!)

In any case I think I'm an anomaly cos regardless of being in a relationship or not I still feel the urge to hang out with friends and have my own spare time and a lot of personal alone time and space..this free spirit feels easily suffocated by other people whether it be in a friend or partner capacity. However...I've also been asked is it a "commitmentphobe" thing?

For others maybe, for me I don't think so...for me it's about your partner being THE RIGHT PERSON, not just that it's an "appropriate" age to settle...

Cynical, practical types have told me..."fine, be idealistic romantic fatalist...just be prepared to bear the consequences".

5 comments:

Dina said...

My husband and I really struggled with this one.

He became friends with a single woman. I TRIED to be open-minded about it, but I was very jealous and angry.

I then tried even harder to be open-minded and allowed her to move in with us....she wanted a cheap place to stay.

It was HORRIBLE.

My husband thinks men and women can be friends--no problem whatsoever. I agree, but I think a line has to be drawn.

I did think it was strange that a woman wanted to move in with her married friend's family. But I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. But then she would spend so much time with my husband.

They would ride bikes together. She would go in to the office where he was working and have long talks with him. It seemed so often that I would find the two of them together. I would feel very left out. I started to feel like an outsider in my own home.

Once I found the two of them with the lights dimmed, drinking wine, and watching a DVD together. There are two couches and two chairs in that room. Yet they sat side by side. Neither of them saw anything wrong with what they were doing. I was made out to be the jealous possessive wife.

While this was going on, I started having male email friends. My husband saw nothing wrong with it. But I DID start having feelings for two of these men.

I think the conclusion that I've come to in all of this is that men and women CAN be friends. But not best or close friends. I think the best friend should be the spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend.

I know it can hard being the single woman though and having the girlfriend/wife acting jealous. It can also be really hard if you feel they're taking your friend away.

Although I think it's different being with an attached guy who you were friends with BEFORE they became attached....and beCOMING friends with a guy who is already married. I think there's something a little suspicious about that. I can imagine being casual friends (such as work friends), but I think I would draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, it does kind of suck for you now. Sorry : (

Shannanigans said...

see that's why it's better to find your partner when you're young, like I did. Cuz now we don't feel the need to be together all the time, we are not all mushy and gross in front of people making them uncomfortable, and we can hang out with our own friends without the other person feeling left out. It's like having all the perks of being single except you're not single!

People do assume we are an old married couple though so that may hinder some invites to social functions

mscherrylane said...

Dina...wow thanks for sharing- I am so not used to people being so open!

In short...your situation was seriously weird. I think the moving in part...now that was just plain inappropriate unless she lives in a granny flat separate to your house...I can't believe you allowed that! and I think it's testimony to your strength of character and your relationship that you're still together!

Shannon...disagree! You end up with your existing social circle from high school or whatever and then after a while cos all your friends are still single they don't wanna hang with couples! I guess it's how independent both parties are it's good that you and Steve allow each other breathing space- of course it's easier since you work nights and he works days!

Dina said...

It WAS a very weird situation.

I'm horribly open about things at times. I think maybe that's a Sagittarius thing. ?????

I go back and forth from being very open and then VERY closed. Maybe that's a cusp thing ; )

Hey, but thanks for listening. I didn't mean to use your blog as my Barbara Walters couch.

Shannanigans said...

I don't have any friends from high school...I hated all the people from high school. We just made couple friends, where I hang with the girl and Steve hangs with the guy