I grew up unaware if there really existed such a thing as “God”. Probably the term God didn’t even enter my conscious mind until perhaps the age of 11 or so when my aunt started going to church or when my brother’s best friend suddenly declared himself a Christian. All I remember was that both events were met with derision and ridicule and a further distancing from such “silliness”. Blindness had been thrust upon me since birth as well as a heart that increasingly became stone. Knowledge was power so therefore if it was any God I grew up with, it was Knowledge. Fallacies typical of being a child of struggling migrants were drummed into my head such as “if you work hard, good things will come to you”, and the most educated humans were the ones to look up to since they knew best about everything and hence were revered with an admiration fit for divinity.
For me growing up, my idea of God was just a nice fuzzy ideal that people with no thinking brains imagined for themselves so they could live in a happy fantasy world that was always rosey. A few attempts to bring me out of the darkness met with a closed, rigid “scientific” mind with more questions than could be answered, ready to dig a hole in everything, always ready to apply that "trusty" human rationale. A Big Ego, Arrogance, the only way I’d ever seen to be….your parents and people further up the food chain were your role models- the absolute authority and hierarchy- what they said you must do, all their truths became your truths…to question was insolence, obedience was a matter of respect…I was the last person to want to cause or be able to tolerate conflict.
Possibly three major life crises passed and I was none the wiser…my rock was my family. Exploration of various religions courtesy of a curious mind and an insatiable appetite to know more and more including some intriguing and respectful participation in dubious rituals was an interesting cultural appreciation and awareness expansion…more sweet mind candy –yum!
It had to be something BIG & relentless to open my eyes and wake me from my complacent slumber, and keep me awake long enough to acknowledge and recognize that perhaps these irrational and “wishy washy” faith believer type people sparsely dotted around me really were onto something…
It came in the form of 2010 – the Big Daddy of Annus Horribilis-es!
It started with crisis after crisis until I reached the end of my and everyone else’s resources…then, a sincere request. And like He says: those who seek, they find…
Spiritual warfare broke out as soon as the suspicion of there being just one true God & not some ambiguous overarching governor of the universe like my new age roots had endowed me with dawned …the praying started in earnest: friends, family, me...even all night 10 nights in a row-exhaustion-not giving in as would have seemed the easiest way out. The silencing crescendo came and peaked when Jesus came to me in a dream...touched me and I felt instantly spiritually healed to the point I woke up and felt it even in the conscious flesh and was left with 100% conviction along with a single spoken sentence from the figure in the dream that had touched me "I am the Way, I am the Truth, I am the Life"(pretty amazing for a non church goer who had barely opened a bible!): I finally HAD and finally UNDERSTOOD “faith”, that it was NOT religion and true faith involved a relationship with God, and that intellectual debates were completely irrelevant…Ever since then every day has been an amazing journey!
This Easter I’ve come full circle and I finally have the complete gift of 100% faith, with the revelation that God is No1. And everything and everybody else comes second!!!
That’s all…not my best piece of writing by any means, but you get the picture!
Happy Easter :)
