Not social for social sake.

Never EVER eat FOUR ultra sweet chocolate chunk cookies, or indulge lots of mental stimulation right before bed- I guarantee you a crappy or non-existent sleep! LOL

In any case, after Toyboy has labelled me his "abnormal asian alien" and after finding myself mystified by normal person social rituals and regimes... I thought I'd do a community service and educate EVERYONE ELSE on that rare breed of...THE INTJ FEMALE...for all <0.5% of us that exist and you are so unlikely to ever encounter in society particularly if you live Down Under!

So anyway...what people DON'T GET is that we DO NOT understand being social..."just because". NO. There has to be a REASON. So maybe "F" types will find that cold and utilitarian, but to us, it JUST. MAKES SENSE!!! lol

So basically what I realised is that, while people happily go about in polite conversations and niceties just for the sake of being social I won't bother unless there is something PURPOSEFUL about the whole situation...namely...I must be able to RELATE to you on some kind of *substantial* level...usually that is from shared interests or shared opinions or...SOMETHING! And I must LIKE talking about that topic! Or ENJOY hearing your point of view (as well as the sound of your voice)! Or ENJOY teasing you and getting a reaction (elbows HO ;)...*evil chuckle*. Cos otherwise, seriously? I could just as happily be silently communing with a tree or a bird and the AIR, or...shock horror, making out with my MIND or the mind creations of other people! LOL

So anyway, I just thought I should make that quite clear. It just completely BLOWS MY MIND general human behaviour, or actually to be more specific usually BORES MY MIND, lol. Basically I am particularly confused about gender hangups, mating dispositions and rituals...to ME, everybody is literally a (*picture a BRAIN walking around*). Gender doesn't really factor into the recognition process...the first step is "do i like or not like this brain" No2. "is this brain worth engaging with?" "Will I be edified in anyway or will they benefit from my pearls of wisdom?" LOL! AFTER step1 and step2 THEN gender recognition will be activated...but more as an AFTERTHOUGHT just like adding shade detail to get a more 3d sketch of a person than just a 2D line drawing :)

Hmm I guess that is why I regularly get called "weird"(and rather proudly so, shhhh! But REALLY, as if that was a *secret* LOL!)

You know what? You "normals" have no idea JUST HOW WEIRD (and let me say, AMUSING) your 24-7 mating and coupling directed mind is to my species too! ;) (okay perhaps it's just my particular city and age bracket- Australia DID post 4 cities in the top 10 GLOBALLY for highest participation in phone 'hookup' apps!...Surprise surprise :P...as an avid rather sit in a corner at social events "observer" and "studier" of people I realised this looooooong, looooong ago!) hehe my generation are so damn boring here...THANK GOD for music, art, old peeps and the creatively and intellectually inspired and talented! :D

Cheers!

P.S if a BONAFIDE (like tested her whole life and at least twice professionally) INTJ FEMALE happens to read this, feel free to correct or hone what I have said. And by the way NICE TO MEET YOU! It truly IS an honour, lol even my most social friends with big networks still haven't been able to track down a real live other "specimen" for me, lol! :D

If only you could just drop everything...

But I am and have been raised way too pragmatic and rational for that.

I just saw a movie "Before Sunrise" wow, it was almost painful to sit through...it so accurately captures those moments that every traveller encounters when they travel alone in an alien environment...

where you meet and have an instant connect and amazing rapport with a complete total stranger who you only came to know as you were in the same place at the same time....a chance encounter that had like a one in a zillion chance of happening...

The worst part is you both have your own separate lives to return to very very far apart in geography and that heavy feeling in your heart is that you know you can just enjoy the present moment and then have to say Goodbye never to see that person again. That it was a transient encounter that you have to let go and forget about to spare yourself the pain of separation. The challenge (especially for females) is always about not getting emotionally attached...

And even if you are foolish and try and keep in touch, the timezones and daily life opposite to your own and your responsibilities back home in the with the passing of time get the better of you, so it is actually easier to not even try and just accept that it was a nice moment, that it is what it was. And that's that!

Thanks to African Sun :)

I have to admit I had a pretty crappy day but it all melted away after chatting with "African Sun", lol that's his nickname anyway cos his rays of warmth in friendship perhaps typical of the culture just melted all the frustrations of the day.

Lately I found myself very addicted to exotic foreigners, perhaps as my heart moves further and further away from this country/society...but in particular lately I am fascinated by Africa and The Middle East, probably because they are the most unfamiliar and unknown places and culture to me so learning more absolutely piques my interest and sates my curiosity!

So yes definitely new Directions, new life, new inspiration for me always includes new global directions....my relationship with Australia has definitely turned rancid and sour. 30 years here is just too long....bar importing and having all my foreign friends visit often I think my itchy feet wants to make tracks to try living in a different country and culture for a bit...just until I miss the wide open space and clean air here a bit more...based on how often people that escaped come back though...perhaps I won't miss it!

Desert Drought

Oh boy was I feeling sorry for myself that I am stuck in a monoculture of boring predictable genericness that is dull, unrefreshing and uninspiring...at. best.!!!

But I got cheered a little that I have encountered a bit of a writer, in a style somewhat like my own: autobiographical honest and mildly eccentric- eg wordy but not TOO intellectual but interesting enough cos life is stranger than fiction...perhaps I will have to relift my game to quality writing and not just therapeutic rants, diligent recordings, trivial amusing anecdotal snippets...

Apart from the massive relief I felt when I returned back to the peaceful sanity of my sanctuary after a typical day of disgruntled chaos in the city, the only part that brought a bit of a smile was to meet a real live REAL non travelling European...wow it is so sad that they are so rare to encounter that I get this excited...in any case despite not exchanging so many words of any substance I don't know...even the presence was a comfort. Not sure what it is but me and Euros just...RESONATE :)

p.s I'm starting to re-think my anti-social status...I think perhaps I am NOT SO...just that apart from tiredness and introvert minimal energy capacity to take on other people, most people BORE me(like want to tear my hair out bore me)!!! I actually think given the RIGHT people who don't send me to sleep I can be VERY SOCIAL or at least a very good conversationalist...even charmingly so!!! WOW, who knew? LOL

Anyway I think my hair is a bit dry now...*yawn*! To bed To bed, Lay this BigHead!

Coming Home

It's been an intense day, quite profound actually. I doubt I'll forget today's events even next week, next month, next year...yes it was pretty....right to my core.

In any case tomorrow somewhat out of the blue I am seeing an old friend. Someone who was to me like the warm mug of milo in front of the fireplace on a cold winter's day...but such meetings are always met with some degree of anxiety...time has unpredictable impacts on people...some people you don't see for 10 years and NOTHING has changed about your interpersonal dynamic- you get along as if not a day passed thick as thieves...some people in the space of a few months transition into something altogether unfamiliar...that is kind of uncomfortable but potentially healthier?

It's only been a short time but I literally feel as if we last met many lifetimes ago...today I feel about 100 years old...literally.

The Waiting Game

Okay so the past year and a bit has been an incredibly challenging exercise in PATIENCE, resilience and thinking-exploring far beyond mental limitations.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something but I'm just waiting for a signal direction from up there.

It's pretty strange when everything you ever knew gets taken from you suddenly and then you have to remould like a piece of plasticene- if you are too wooden you snap and splinter. So yes it has been fun being a Ms Gumby although at times rather lost without that overarching identity I had through my "work"!

My favourite time throughtout all the weirdness has definitely been the wandering gypsy through rural Australia living out of a suitcase. It is amazing how such simplicity and lack brings such happiness...Freedom...I think it's my drug of choice! ^^ ^^ ^^ But maybe in the real world one needs a bit of discipline and structure...and stone pillars of familiarity!

I wonder if I'm staring at it and just needing the prod to enter the intimidating looking tunnel that lies ahead...

To connect with a long lost part of me or to forge something bright and shiny and new? Only Time will Tell...

Indignant

So I get labelled regularly all the time (especially by MEN) that I am a...commitmentphobe.

This makes me feel indignant :-P

The official verdict from the desk of Zhen is that she IS NOT but it's going to take THE RIGHT ONE...if & however long that may or may not take...Cos seriously...you want me to tie down with THE WRONG ONE? lol no this girl doesn't make the same BIG mistakes twice! Dumb but not THAT dumb...what a relief for a learning capacity, thanks brain ;)

Just be You.

I don't know why there is such a need to define all the time with me...maybe it is my INTJ which loves all the labelling and neat categorization and compartmentalization think...SHELDON from Big Bang! :D

Anyway my city slicker friends call me country bumpkin but then I know REAL country bumpkins that like talking about cows all day ;) (That ain't me...LOL)

Also even my music taste...lately I've been indulging my taste for the electro sound listening to the unique experimental style of one of my music heroes MARTIN DOSH and the electropop of CUT COPY....hardly country bumpkin fare, more like the teenybopsters of any major metro city!!

So yeah I need to learn how to accept being neither full black nor white and just live with the speckled egg of white black and grey that is ALL me as well as the yellow-white banana thing I have happening, lol...innate complexity is a good thing...just cos most people don't seem to have this...it's okay to be a super minority...would be nice to live in a country and culture where more INs existed though...and to be understood by a majority rather than a very teeny tiny rare spark of genius, lol...

The Gift Of Faith

I grew up unaware if there really existed such a thing as “God”. Probably the term God didn’t even enter my conscious mind until perhaps the age of 11 or so when my aunt started going to church or when my brother’s best friend suddenly declared himself a Christian. All I remember was that both events were met with derision and ridicule and a further distancing from such “silliness”. Blindness had been thrust upon me since birth as well as a heart that increasingly became stone. Knowledge was power so therefore if it was any God I grew up with, it was Knowledge. Fallacies typical of being a child of struggling migrants were drummed into my head such as “if you work hard, good things will come to you”, and the most educated humans were the ones to look up to since they knew best about everything and hence were revered with an admiration fit for divinity.

For me growing up, my idea of God was just a nice fuzzy ideal that people with no thinking brains imagined for themselves so they could live in a happy fantasy world that was always rosey. A few attempts to bring me out of the darkness met with a closed, rigid “scientific” mind with more questions than could be answered, ready to dig a hole in everything, always ready to apply that "trusty" human rationale. A Big Ego, Arrogance, the only way I’d ever seen to be….your parents and people further up the food chain were your role models- the absolute authority and hierarchy- what they said you must do, all their truths became your truths…to question was insolence, obedience was a matter of respect…I was the last person to want to cause or be able to tolerate conflict.

Possibly three major life crises passed and I was none the wiser…my rock was my family. Exploration of various religions courtesy of a curious mind and an insatiable appetite to know more and more including some intriguing and respectful participation in dubious rituals was an interesting cultural appreciation and awareness expansion…more sweet mind candy –yum!

It had to be something BIG & relentless to open my eyes and wake me from my complacent slumber, and keep me awake long enough to acknowledge and recognize that perhaps these irrational and “wishy washy” faith believer type people sparsely dotted around me really were onto something…

It came in the form of 2010 – the Big Daddy of Annus Horribilis-es!

It started with crisis after crisis until I reached the end of my and everyone else’s resources…then, a sincere request. And like He says: those who seek, they find…

Spiritual warfare broke out as soon as the suspicion of there being just one true God & not some ambiguous overarching governor of the universe like my new age roots had endowed me with dawned …the praying started in earnest: friends, family, me...even all night 10 nights in a row-exhaustion-not giving in as would have seemed the easiest way out. The silencing crescendo came and peaked when Jesus came to me in a dream...touched me and I felt instantly spiritually healed to the point I woke up and felt it even in the conscious flesh and was left with 100% conviction along with a single spoken sentence from the figure in the dream that had touched me "I am the Way, I am the Truth, I am the Life"(pretty amazing for a non church goer who had barely opened a bible!): I finally HAD and finally UNDERSTOOD “faith”, that it was NOT religion and true faith involved a relationship with God, and that intellectual debates were completely irrelevant…Ever since then every day has been an amazing journey!

This Easter I’ve come full circle and I finally have the complete gift of 100% faith, with the revelation that God is No1. And everything and everybody else comes second!!!

That’s all…not my best piece of writing by any means, but you get the picture!

Happy Easter :)

Lost in the City

It's been a pretty heavy week. From hearing so many sad stories and problems. And the thing is in this concrete jungle there is no escape...if anything it's claustrophobic and amplifies the heaviness. After significant amounts of it, I start to absorb and internalise other people's pain- empathic resonance perhaps?

It's quite bizarre....in any case it's making me reconsider wanting to specialise in clinical depression-perhaps I'm too sensitive. It kind of feels like people "feed" off me until I feel completely drained. I think that is why I react so strongly to being in natural environments- that is the only thing that can truly "recharge" me- by connecting with the natural world. I am a child of nature :) after all.

So I was doing the hermit withdrawal thing trying to recoup some of this lost energy...I can't believe I even passed up my big chance to meet a world class pianist backstage in favour of staying home with some funny dvds! I just didn't think I could take bumping into one more depressed problem laden person...

I was so tempted to indulge my whim to go fly back out to be with the whales...an aside, I always feel oddly displaced in the city amongst cityfolk...it always feels like my energy is being sapped not only from the people but from the environment! Actually I'm really starting to wonder...are there any HAPPY HAPPY people in the city?! :P

p.s actually one good thing...I accidentally bumped into the patient I spent the most amount of time on counselling and consoling this year...I haven't seen her in a couple of months but I was so surprised to see her smiling and vibrant- such a Huge turnaround! It was kinda nice to know that I had some small role to play in that :)

The Results are in!

So results were released today...and it was a pleasant relief...definitely was a community effort though from my dad ferrying me my mum's tubs of home-cooked food once a week when it got really busy;
to G&P helping me prepare for prac exams;
to L donating her body to the prac exam; to A giving me last minute lessons on physical anatomy;
to Hippie Boy's ongoing stress relief with massages, food, motivating chats and comforting hugs;
to E and her dad rescuing me at the last moment from flunking my massage prac when I got so sick I couldn't move and giving me "revival" herbs and E in her usual directive way telling me "This is what you have to do" and showing me how to do it....not to mention giving me tips and study materials along the way...

No thanks to my chain smoking neighbours though...that was what made it such a tough and sickly first half in the first place! You'll notice I've stopped whingeing and whining on that for a bit - I paid a few more visits to "have a chat" with these neighbours but strangely, they also seem to have calmed down of their own accord. (This is partially why I said I'm going through a mysteriously favourable astrological transit right now).

It's always a good feeling to get good results after you feel like you've pushed yourself through a sieve just to survive...more so though since because I'm very aware of all the sacrifices made for me to be able to do this course. I guess it is also partially a matter of self respect and personal standards. When I was younger I just wanted to be different- the typical youngest child rebellion- and I really believed my parents were unhealthily one-eyed (like most immigrant parents) about good grades. Now that I am actually studying of my free will something I enjoy though it's totally different, I actually want to do well partially to keep up the family tradition of success...

The last day or so I've gradually eased into a state of quiet repose for the rest of my holidays doing responsible things like finally tackling the piles of clutter left over from the move, cooking good nutritious meals, getting plenty of rest, attending the last 3 months of postal backlog, and building a new bookshelf to get my study all organised before the start of another harrowing semester. The Calm Before The Storm...

It's a nice change to be struck with this burst of steady and quiet responsibility in contrast to the usual frenetic fits of flighty chaos and overexcitability.

What the heck, let's have some fun with this ;)

Whenever I ask people what kind of Asian I am they inevitably look at me like it's some kind of trick question and refuse to answer. The only reason why I ask is because people seem to be getting increasingly more wrong as I grow older!

And partially cos I'm sick of Asians asking (almost accusingly) "What kind of Asian are you?!" and saying "Asians don't have freckles!" (yeah they do if they spend enough time in the sun without the trademark umbrellas!! *roll eyes*)

And then the Whiteys think I'm not full asian. And even the Eurasians think I'm one of them!

Which is all quite bizarre seeming to me cos I always thought I looked full asian! Until about the age of 18 or 19 or so I think people always at least knew I was a full asian. I guess it's the harsh Australian sun- makes your hair less black and you get more freckles! But then I'm also quite pale too so unless I wear the fisherman's hat and carry the big camera bag nobody ever mistakes me for Japanese anymore either-haven't had any friendly "Konnichiwas" for a good 5 or 6 years now! Or maybe it's the demeanour...

I still do get a heck of a lot of older Chinese people speaking Chinese to me though but that is usually by default cos I'm the only person with black hair in a room and they can't speak any English...this is always really embarrassing and even when I rack my brains back to TAFE Mandarin Chinese Level 1, if put on the spot I still can't remember how to say in Chinese "I don't speak Chinese!"...so shameful!

Anyway...hehe...the next time some sucker asks me my ethnicity I'm going to say something exotic but believable like I'm half Indonesian, a quarter Chinese and a quarter Dutch. And the next time I might get more daring and say I'm Half Burmese and Half Irish...and I'll see how outrageous I can get before they realise I'm totally B.S-ing!

Cheap Thrills...Damn, if only I were that exotic and interesting :P